Of Never Marrying... & Dying Young.

Post by **izeveryboyin** » January 23rd, 2008, 12:02 pm

The last couple of days the baby and I have been holed up at my grandmother's house watching the all news channels like CSNBC in the living room with my grandfather nonstop and of course, we happened over the report on the death of Heath Ledger. I looked down on my small daughter and saw her father in her eyes. All the love we tried to have and didn't. All the wasted phone calls, all the sleepless nights lying next too each other but too afraid to touch lest we both explode into a sort of calculated violence. I have thought a lot about being alone lately... of never marrying and dying young. I have gone through that out of body experience of giving birth... Nathan was in the room. We had been rushed to the OR for what was going to be an emergency c-section, but the baby whispered "No. I am ready. I will come. I will breathe. My heart will beat." Minutes later a beautiful child was in my arms, screaming, showcasing all the strength of those powerful lungs and even perhaps putting the Fear of God back in me. To think that two people could share that experience and yet, still have their love fail is amazing to me... and frightening. Do I miss Nathan? Parts of him, yes. But our love was so abusive. How could I continue? So I packed my things, the baby's, and I left... clutching a heart that felt weary. Fast forward a coupla months and I'm on that couch, next to Pa-Pa, watching them wheel the lifeless body of Heath Ledger out of his New York apartment, and I thought to myself, "Jesus. No one is invincible." And I think I felt a cold wash over me that had nothing to do with the 18 degree weather outside. I think... I wondered... not aloud... whether or not... perhaps... I would know the devastation... of never marrying... and dying young.

END.

Post by **hester_prynne** » January 23rd, 2008, 3:28 pm

Ah Izzie, it's good to hear from you. It sounds like things are hard, like you've made some extremely hard choices.
I sense from your post however, that somewhere inside, you are strong and taking care of yourself and your babe, despite some harsh realities around love, and the stinging unpredictableness of it's tenure. Accepting what we never want to believe has to be accepted, is really hard, and can be edgy dark. What we are brought up to believe will happen, as opposed to what's real, is gut painful.
It's a rich place you are in really, a place of wonder, anger, doubt.....growth. We are not invincible, none of us are and we never were.
I believe that as we process these kinds of changes in our lives, we come to a middle ground about ourselves regarding life, and our own individual invincibilities. We make ourselves comfortable within a truer reality. In that reality, we find happinesses and successes that far exceed the ones we would have had, if everything had worked out the way we are "groomed" to believe it will work out.
The path to authenticity is alot about leaving the conventional myths behind, and finding your own doable reality. But it isn't easy to let go of the hopes and dreams we grew up believing would come true. It takes a long time, and it's painful. My heart goes out to you, but i'm also happy for you, because you will continue to grow with wonder. I love that you put it out there, because it's in all of us, tho way too much unspoken.
Thank you for speaking it, so elegantly like you do, and keep on keepin on, see where all this leads you to. I've no doubt that it will be to a place
you really love.
Again, so glad to hear from you!
Lots of hugs to you, and coos to the baby.
H

Post by **Arcadia** » January 23rd, 2008, 6:22 pm

see the bright side: you already have a child!: one less thing to worry about when you´ll reach 40

(mmm... sorry, I only wanted to cheer you up!!

)

kisses to you & myla, izzy!!!!!!!!!! actualized photos, please?!

Post by **judih** » January 23rd, 2008, 10:55 pm

How cool that you have a haven, a safe place to be, while you two grow. You've got each other, you and M, within the bounds of family hospitality.

And those power questions continue to loom. How can a certain fate (like a C-section) be avoided through pure guts and determination (like Myla's).
Anything is possible.

And i love reading Hester's advice to you. Again it's pure wisdom she's shared. And Arcadia gives you the bright side - you've got a wonderful daughter! And yes, photos would be grand.

It's freezing outside, but come spring, when you do mornings outside, you'll find lots of young mothers with babes and you'll be able to vent your worries and loves and funny stories and frustrations. Spring'll be great.

The fact that you're able to write is also a small miracle. i remember having to wear my babe in order to get any work done (like sewing puppets) and perhaps i could have 'written' if i'd worn a tape recorder glued to her head.

As for Heath and dying young, it's a heavy tragedy when someone so potentially great is gone. Everyone has their fate - some avoid it, some leap into it. Mothers try to work miracles whenever we can.

Post by **Dave The Dov** » January 24th, 2008, 6:28 pm

You shall overcome it!!!!

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Post by **izeveryboyin** » January 25th, 2008, 12:58 pm

Thank you for all those kind words and funny word and encouragement words. In a time like this... a girl just needs some good words.

--k

p.s as per request:

Post by **judih** » January 25th, 2008, 1:35 pm

Post by **Arcadia** » January 25th, 2008, 4:21 pm

oh....!!!! in the first two photos she seems ready to give you a speech at any moment!!!!!!!!!!!

so sweet!!!!!!!!!!!

thanks for sharing them!!!!!!!!

Post by **Dave The Dov** » January 27th, 2008, 7:37 am

Go go ma ma and everything feels better!!!!

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Post by **tinkerjack** » February 1st, 2008, 7:30 pm

beautiful
thanks for posting the pictures it made my day.

I thought of Nathan today when I heard this song

I don't know if this guy is any good as a musician I can't judge, but it sounds pretty good to me. he is doing a cover of a john prine song called unwed fathers.

<object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/dU5sWO-u68Y&re ... ram><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/dU5sWO-u68Y&rel=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object>

Post by **Doreen Peri** » February 1st, 2008, 8:04 pm

she's sooooo beautiful!!!!!

I was going to answer with my take on marrying too many times and dying too old but I'll leave it for another time maybe.

Take the wise lady's advice, Ms. K.
I'm not one of them today

but hey, that rhymed, so maybe there's a poet in me somewhere? I donno...

Post by **tinkerjack** » February 1st, 2008, 8:11 pm

I was going to answer about on never marrying and dying old and never having children.

Children make me want to keep on breathing, don't even have to be my children.

Post by **izeveryboyin** » February 3rd, 2008, 10:04 pm

I would to hear about marrying many times and dying old. I would also like to hear about never marrying and dying old and never having children. I feel like my world need another view....

--k

Post by **stilltrucking** » February 3rd, 2008, 10:31 pm

Kind of a ghosty feeling.

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Of Never Marrying... & Dying Young.

Of Never Marrying... & Dying Young.

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