Waiting for Spring

[stilltrucking]

maybe two days before this all happened, I had something like a premonition-- well, no, I guess more like a realization that right now was when I really needed to spend more time with my parents because their time is drawing near.

I have been having the same thought about my siblings, we are getting so old. Two of my brothers in their seventies now.

Sudden is harder I think
my mother's illness and lingering when she was so ready to go, at peace with the god of her mothers before her and her life so diminished by the cancer. We had time for long talks and a "so long Ma".
I read somewhere that Kerouac never called his mother memere, she was always 'Ma' to him in his real life conversations with her.


Thought about you this moringing, such a sad feeling, my eyes began to water.

And I tried to think of some words of comfort,
all can say is the conversation continues
still twenty four years later I can still feel her here, dream of her, and channell her maternal instincts towards my sister.

sorry for the ramble
thank you for the poem you wrote at the begening of this thread
it was helpful to me
that sounds selfish for me to say that somehow
but it is my truth

[stilltrucking]

My mother was hit by a massive stroke about four years before she died, she could not communicate with us at all, only one doctor seemed to offer any hope. He was right, and her daughter never lost faith .

And we had another good four years more together.

[mnaz]

Thank you everyone. I just have a dead feeling inside. I've just been through a low stretch of time, but I was ready to get going again-- I was ready and had all these plans... And now most days have a joyless heaviness that recurs... under the weight of loss and all of these heavy, grim decisions and arrangements to be made. Needless to say, I wasn't ready for this. Is anyone ever ready for it?

I do appreciate the kind support; I need it. Jack... thank you. I can never interact with mom quite the way I used to, but she's still the same wonderful person. I need to make the most of the short time left to say goodbye.

Sooz... yes, I need to keep talking, reaching out to the end. You're right. She knows what I've been trying to say all these years, and now is no exception. Speak from the heart.

Mark. It just didn't seem like it was her time to go. Not like this. But then, these are things beyond our comprehension. Thanks.

Doreen... Thank you for your friendship, love and comforting thoughts. It's hard to imagine comfort right now, but you're right.. the storm will pass some day. I've been posting on the internet the past few days, out of habit I guess, but mainly just to pass some time and take my mind off reality. But I need to pull back, into quieter reflection and interaction with friends and family. Now is that time.

Judih. It is rare for me when the tears come. It just doesn't happen much at all. But sometimes something will get so deep under my skin that I have little or no choice. And I've never cried like I did last Sunday, in a deep sorrow, and there've been a few aftershocks. Thanks for the wishes and vibes for strength and courage. They're not lost on us.

Arcadia... I will talk to my mom until the earthly end and beyond. That's a good thought, and one to rally around I guess. Thank you.

You all mean a lot to me. Thanks for your love and support. Gotta keep on. Can't quit now.