love and grandiosity

[creativesoul]

i have these ideas that take hold like ivy on a tree, it seems to want to kill me
i laugh with consequence because somehow he will twist my heart like the arm of a delinquent criminal, finally arrested and tired from running and gunning for so long, surrendering to the inevitable. the suitcase I have carried from relationship to relationship, each having their own defective shadows that crawled accross me like a lady bug, a little tingle, and I somehow fall out of love.I have heard much about falling in love, like a land mine where you step you are suddenly legless with crutches, in love.. almost a terminal victim except that the heart and the brain cannot agree on this possibilitiy- that perhaps we have fallen and cannot get up.
I have tried everything, shrinks, medication, communication, conflict resolution, traveling with 16 women in Mexico, and still my heart is asking me "why can you dance so frivolously and so seriously, and suddenly you are exhausted and want nothing more than to dream alone and sleep.He calls you from the next room like a small lap dog and asks "how do you spell language?"
mmm Why would you want to know how to spell a word that you do not use or understand? I think caveman grunts and monkey like throwing shit is what you have done as of late.I build a fire, I sit by it reading a book my sister sent from down under about how the world is conspiring to make me happy.
I am a non smoker now, I have just put in a garden as the price of food has me terrified about the price of apples, when I used to be able to go some where in a car because I could afford gasoline, now my bike looks at me with a "come on sissy" like tanto and the lone ranger I think of death. If I cannot run away then let me die.Perhaps the illusion has gone so far, that I am already dead.
wanting love, giving love, waiting for the other person to respond is alot like being dead. sometimes you find ways to pretend that you do not really want sex or love or anything at all. The third world countries of this world are fighting for water that we buy in a bottle and go to work out, and I am suffering from depression.I think dopamine and serotonin are over rated, and that moraphine looks more exciting to me right now. I do not want to feel anything.
the man that I love and the one that says he loves me knows nothing of this, he thinks that I take meds and that I am just ok. We cannot talk to each other alot of the time. we argue.I ha to say in my nicest candy coated sweet voice that 'I desrve to have feelings."
I am sure you can imagine his posture of just barely being able to tolerate listening to me.I understand why there are women in prison for "crimes of passion" more clearly at the age I am at now that I did let us say around 25. I just do not bounce back as quickly. give my whole heart and soul, and that is what hurts the most. I wanted him to love me. i wanted him to like talking to me. What I want is not always what I get.
I cannot listen to the let it bleed ablum one more time"get what cha need..."i am going to throw up or score some drugs. sometimes that is all there is.
I just do not understand why my ideas of how to deal with something is not to deal with it at all. This is childish and an abomination. I am sick and unable to do for myself what I hope the God of understanding will do for me.One thing would be nice, to be treated with love and respect.

[constantine]

i was caught in the inexorable flow of this, and for me, it is familiar territory. well expressed - honest and painful.