All that you love will soon be gone

[GodModule]

I felt what I felt on that cold October night. There is no pain here, only boredom and delusion. Here we go.

I left the house a little bit after one. I had no plans, no specific destination in mind. I just needed to get out and walk.
The autumn air was cold. It pierced into my skin like a Shakespeare knife. The night was pitch black, save for the street lights that gave the empty sidewalks an eerie luminescence. Mother Moon was covered by a blanket of grim clouds.
Every time I go walking at night I'm flooded by images of my past. Hanging with Stoner Mike in the dark recesses of the Nature Trail behind the elementary school, smoking marijuana out of a three foot bong and thinking we were real cool. Sitting with that Modesto girl in the back of my friends battered Honda. Looking at the sky. Feeling the cold of the air and the warmth of another. And now here alone.
I don't hope anymore. I don't get excited like I did back then. Neither happy nor sad. It ain't so bad.
The parking lot of a business park was wide open and empty and it gave me a sense of unfettered freedom. So empty, so empty. Not a car to be found. The whole lot a blank slate. I sat on the curb for awhile and continued to reminisce. Was it brooding? No, not brooding. More like pensive. And there I was with eyes closed feeling the chilled air on my skin.
And I'm happy to tell you, Sweet Marina
everything we had and everything past
All meant so much I'll never know.
Such is life, and so it goes.
Lovely words to a song with no sound. At some point I wound up back home. Tired and warm in my bed with the cotton comforter pulled up to my neck. Another hour killed and ready to be forgotten.

The girl in Florida was no little girl of your dreams sweetheart. She was dark beauty like the Gothic house in a Romantic poem. So deep and foreboding. So much passion quelled in those baby blue eyes. I knew her once. Sexy and loveable. I've forgotten her now but I think she knows me even still.

We fought a lot. And we loved quite a bit, but mostly we fought. And mostly I was drunk and making a complete pathetic ass of myself.
"Oh, yes, you're so dark and oh so distinguished. Fuck off, babe."
Isn't that great? Passion will do that to you. Gotta keep a cap on that dynamite feeling.

I'm here and I'm ready to be exposed. Blind cheating liar that I am. Like they used to say back in school: you're only cheating yourself.

Little Miss Rita walked through the door. Her hair was pulled back in an old fashioned bun. She looked at me long and gave me a smile. For a moment, just a moment, I felt my heart stir. What a beautiful girl with her sugarsweet smile.
"Hi, my name is Rita," she said.
"Hi there, Rita. My name is"
"Pleased to make your acquaintance. I see you in here all the time studying. What are you studying so hard for?"
"Studying?" I laugh. "I'm not really studying for anything. I'm just...reading. For fun, you know?"
Same sugarsweet smile. I think I'm in love.
"You read a lot."
"Well so do you. I think. I guess you could be studying..."
"No, I'm just reading, too. For fun."
Yes, I'm in love.

A couple of important-sounding Latin phrases: Amor est vitae essentia. Aqua vitae.

I don't know what love is. My kind of love brings a lot of fear. So much to lose and hate and hurt. But that's life, isn't it? With the good comes the bad. If you want the happy you must accept the sad. Death isn't around the corner, it's already there. Always and ever-pervading. But so is life. So is love. Inexorably linked, to the starry-eyed's chagrin. Forever. Anything else is purgatory.

[mnaz]

a dark beauty.

and they pave parking lots quite wide.

anything else is a waste of time.

[saw]

a potent slice of life, like a scene from a movie...rife with honesty...
expressing the frustrations of relationships that we are drawn to like attracting magnets...then one day someone reverses the polarity...
and we set off with our memories and questions to cycle 'round again..