Whether report.

[Doreen Peri]

I've gotten in so much trouble telling the truth, I can't tell you. I have a difficult time keeping my mouth shut. People probably don't like being around me when I say what I feel but I can't help it. I say what I feel outloud. (Outloud isn't a word, by the way. The correct word is "aloud." But you knew that. I just thought I'd tell you all that while I was thinking it.) My mother used to say of my father, "He's honest to a fault." That stuck with me. I inherited his problem. There are certain social situations where a little white lie might work well to spare the expense of emotional pain but historically, I've been a terrible failure at recognizing them and following through. I'm so honest, I often contemplate doing myself in because there are times when I wonder, "What's the point?" This is truth. But I'm honest enough to know that those moments are fleeting and tomorrow, I'll recognize myself again in the mirror and accept me, flaws and all, exactly the way I am. That's love. I'd marry me if I were available. But, honestly speaking, because I must, I wish people would lie to me more often. Or tell the truth. One or the two. It's much too difficult to sort out sincerity and action. I am extremely passionate about this subject. I stumble along telling myself the Godawful truth and lying to myself on occasion so I won't believe it.

Whether
We believe or we don't,
It doesn't matter much.
Tomorrow the sun comes up.
Tonight will be dark.
Tonight will be dark.
Tomorrow the sun comes up.

[sooZen]

My mother used to tell me. "I don't care what you do, just tell me the truth, be honest." She lived to regret those words, that philosophy for she really didn't want to hear the real truth, only her version.

"Don't go there..." is what she will tell me today if I even hint at a painful truth.

My mouth is always getting me into trouble for it seems I am always in a stream of saying whatever comes to mind, whatever floats by, be it a flower or a turd. I speak, I note.

It used to pain me, other's reactions or perhaps shock at what I had said. I would agnonize over the result of my honesty (not always truth) on situations or individuals or even groups. If you say something with conviction, like you know what you are talking about, they listen and then you are stuck with what you said...exposed, raw, bare naked and then comes regret, at least it used to.

Now, I don't worry so much about it or others reactions to my pointed comments. I had to, I couldn't be comfortable speaking otherwise. All of us have our insecurities, our painful memories, our unwise blurtings and once I realized this, I no longer agonized so much over what I said for I knew it was just a part of being and most folks are so in their own heads, they only take offense because of their own frailties are exposed.

Take heart, speak your mind.

SooZen

[sooZen]

Postscript...

Also, since I cannot control what others do or say, I have to distill their words, devine their intent, and sift through what it is they are saying. Not everyone will be truthful, some are conditioned not to be, some are fearful of honesty so since I cannot rely on others to be honest, I have reached an understanding of this human nature and as a result...I rely on me to be kindly honest with myself for that is the most important of all.