"Why I am so wise" (aka self knowledge)

[stilltrucking]

"Perry suddenly shuffles panel probing fatal fire San Antonio Exress News" The San Antonio Express News, October 1

I had forty one dollars in my checking account and thirty dollars in savings. I have nine days to go until my next pay check' I got two cans of refried beans and a peach, an onion, two cans of tuna, two loaves of bread and fivel pounds of patatoes in pantry. Two packages of spinach, two pop pies, a couple of steaks and two lamb chops in the freezer. So I figured I could afford one more pack of cigarettes. When I saw the above headline I decided I could also afford one more news paper too..



Foot notes

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ecce_Homo_(book)

Phone rings, my ssister, I got to go, finish this later....

[SadLuckDame]

You're gonna have steak tonite? Good for you.

I had a baked potato last night, with undairy butter and peanuts.

I drink Green tea with ginseng and honey.

I craved tacos the other night, I can have red meat, though I couldn't add taco seasoning (I opted for chili powder and pepper), no cheese, I don't know what I ate.

So I ask you, what would you eat right now if you could eat it?

[stilltrucking]

No I am not wise. That is just my sick sense of humor.

If I could eat anything I wanted right now ti would be
Six Peyote buttons maybe seven
what it ever it tales to make me vomit.
I did not eat enough last time.
I only had one button and I shared it with my baby sister.

[stilltrucking]

It probably would not help. The mushrooms did not.

I will have to work it out with words.


How much does a word weigh
How many calories am I burning by typing.
Ok an avocado with grape jelly sounds good.


I am trying to remember what I had in mind for this thread.

Something to do with that story today in the express news.

And why I bought the paper.

Gone now.

No idea what that had to do with the Nietzsche quote either.

My vision is not what it used to be. I used to like to look in the mirror and see my reflection in the pupils of my eyes.

I can't see it anymore. I probably need stronger glasses.


That bit about being shattered after tripping is about what happened to me one night while I was sitting in a class room in college park maryland. The course was Statistics for the behaviorial sciences. Chi Square. My last semester. It just blew my mind. I been hearing that phrase a lot today. Hippy speak "Blew my mind" The only reality in this best of all worlds is a statistical reality.

I have made some progress even with out the Peyote buttons. I no longer sit at this computer and smoke. I get up and go outside to smoke. Just a baby step but you know it is a start. I remember when I first started posting to litkicks. Not the man I am now. My angry defensive posts are far fewer. I owe a lot to that website. And this one too. Many of the same people are here. Doreen, Judih, Abstroint, Cecil, Jimboloco,
eight or nine years later I am still taking baby steps.

A journey of one step begins with a thousand words for me.

ramble ramble ramble
my daddy was a gambler
made and lost several small fortunes
he was a compulsive loser till he turned to chess.

He would play me with his back to the board. He had the whole thing in his head, he would call out the moves to me and I would move the pieces, then I would tell him where I moved mine.

This is all about me
me me mine

Oh yeah now I remember the guy in Texas who was executed for that fatal fire in the headline. An innocent man. Where is my outrage. I am numb. Maybe it is my body that is numb. I just don't feel comfortable in it.

Yabyum and his crumbs of happiness
Thinking about a june night in Buffalo NY in 1974, the circus leaving town, loading up, so much to do, then a small break and laying back in an elephant stand looking up at a star filled sky, thinking of Mersealt and the tender indifference of stars. I was happy. \\\



Break on through to the other side
come on now Jackie
you can do it.

[stilltrucking]

and another thought rises above the event horizon of consciousnes
this is it
there is no other side
it is like a Möbius strip
a strange loop

Silent's woman's husband a sweet guy but a
I talk therefore I exist kind of guy
he thought he could use sex to control her
The last thing she wanted from me was another husband

[stilltrucking]

walking across the parking lot the other night I notice a woman with large breasts
from three hundred yards away she points an accusing nipple at me.
or so it seemed to me.
Women's breasts
that is always good for a few hundred words
I used to wonder how women made their breasts jiggle when they are standing still.
Oh boy
flashback ten years
I think about that pretty little blonde trucker that wanted me to help her slide her tandems for her.

Oh boy what a night.
One of those overnight trips from Chicago to Dallas
would not have been so hard only 900 miles in twenty hours but then the ice and snow in the dead of winter.
College boys loading the trucks no idea of weight distribution. Me laying down on a icy parking lot pounding away at the rusty tandems with a three pound hammer trying to break them loose.

By the Time I make down south some where around st louis the roads are clear.
I am covered in grease and dirt, my clothes are filthy and wet
She comes over to me with a big smile and perky jiggle of her breasts
and I am supposed to feel like gods gift to women. She wants me to help her slide her tandems. I am tempted to tell her no but she is another truck driver and the code of the road and all that bullshit. So I offer to give her my meat hook and a three foot bungee cord and tell her how she can slide them herself. But she was not interested in that. She wanted me to do it for her. So she went looking for another man. Fortunately the truck stop was full of them.

I have known women truckers who pulled their own weight she was not the rule but the exception. A very pretty exception.

Maybe if I had not been so tired and behind schedule I might have been more receptive to her smile and jiggle.

[stilltrucking]

Ha
I type therefore I exist.

[stilltrucking]

meanwhile back at the oasis the arabs were eating their dates.
Sexual inuendo is wasted on me.
I used to wonder if I was trying for a pity fuck
probably so
revenge fucks are very sweet
Revere Beach Massachussets the winter of 1975
The Shipwreck Salon
Her name was vickie but all my friends called her pickles.
And in the early morning light of the morning after I looked over at her and said "Good morning" and she called ma an asshole
Short romances were my speciality.

That is where I first read Anne Sexton, The Jesus papers. I still remember Pickles fondly. I hope she is doing well. She showed up in Virginia when I was living there. She had a daughter. She seemed happy.

I miss abstroint
another good dear friend from litkicks and studio eight
I always knew where she was coming from.
Trusted her a lot.

this internet is weirder than old highway 90 along the mexican border out in west texas.

I can't help but wonder why mingo's wife was holding a gun on him.

A guy in Virginia I used to know had to go to court for hitting his girlfriend. The judge asked him why he hit her. "Your honor she was coming at with an axe."
That same guy stole my warm flannel shirt that was a gift from my mother. Just walked off with it. he was a princeton grad turned nature boy. First time I saw him he was walking downtown Charlottsville Virginia with a live chicken on a rope like a pet dog. I felt sorry for him because he dyed his beard. Could not face that age thing. I noticed that the red hairs in my beard were the first to turn gray. Getting ready to spit out another tooth.

Ja Ja
I am so wise.

[Doreen Peri]

cynthia (abstroint) is on facebook... lots of old friends are there... facebook is huge... sign up one day

[stilltrucking]

no thanks doreen
she knows where to find me if she ever wants to talk at me.
I don't want a facebook account.

[diesel dyke]

Thinking about those pretty truckers that are building up their own fleet of trucks one marriage and divorce at a time.

Listening to those men on the CB bitching about their wives. saying things like a bullet is cheaper than a divorce.

Thinking about that Neil Young song
Are you Ready for the country

Well, I gotta tell the story before it's time to go
Talkin' to a preacher, said God was on his side
Talkin' to a butcher, they both were sellin' hide
Well, I gotta tell the story, boys, I don't know the reason why

maybe I need to be drinking more and thinking less

[SadLuckDame]

Bah! Deleted for it looked bitter.

There was no other move to be made that my gut would support.

I wonder why men prefer large breasted women.

[SadLuckDame]

I am but a witch at her brew, when my heart locks.
Possibly I can only satisfy myself.

I'm the me, me, me.

A dragon layer bound with ribbons at my breast.

[stilltrucking]

Sublimation
Just worked up
make that just waked up from a dream thinking about this thread

I was big on sublimation once a upon a time.
What the hell to do with all this sexual energy.
I don't know much about Chakras(spelling) and things like that.

I don't know what it is about breasts either.

I was going to start another thread and leave this one.

I probably need a website

I mean someplace where I can use html to tie all these posts together.

Twelve thousand and some posts. Most of them garbage but a few worht reading maybe. I tried experimenting with the *list* code on table of contents and virtual yardsale posts maybe I can make that work.

HTML

Hyper Text Markup Language
the language of the internet
http://www.studioeight.tv/phpbb/posting ... st&p=60108

Jack Kerouac would probably be writing spontaneous html if he was alive to day.

Large breasts. I don't know
I remember a bit on NPR about a movie theatre somewhere that had special showings for new mothers. The idea was for them to have a day out and be able to bring their new babies with them to the movies.
The show's host asked what about all the noise from the crying babies and whether the babies paid any attention to the movie being shown.

The mother said that there was only one time that the babies became quiet. When a breast was shown on the screen.

It was a huge parking a lot, and out of the corner of my eye I saw that woman with the large breasts. She was way off in the distance. But my eyes tracked her.

Sublimationn. I was big on that once upon a time. I did not see what you deleted.
Was it bitter?

Ha
I must have a half a book shelf of biographies of sylvia plath.

One of them is called Bitter Fame.
I was obsessed with her death for many years, pissed at ted hughes. How little I knew.
well anyway
one of those books is called bitter fame
a line from a poem by a russian woman
I can't remember her name
she had an amazing life
the line from the poem was

"If you can't give me love and peace,
Then give me bitter fame." Anna Akhmatova

I had to look it up Anna Akhmatova
What a life she had. I don't know what it is about large breasts either.

I can't blame you for being bitter. Sorry I missed your deletion.

I had a bunch of posts that I went back and deleted after people had replied

they looked like this

...

It pissed jimboloco off and Cecil thought it was stupid.

I remember why I did it.

Two men here started making threats of physical violence towards each other. Almost sounded like death threats.

I was disgusted. I wanted to remove every post I ever made here.

Yes I was going to start another thread titled Sublimation. What to do with all this sexual energy that I have repressed for so long.

Freud's theory was that civiliation is based on the repressed sex. I think.

Speaking of therapists
There is a little book called The Question of Lay Analysis.

Interesting how he lays out what he thought a good education for a psycho-analyst should be. Heavy on anthropology if I remember corectly.

That is how I think of Freud. As the archeologist of my soul.

I don't know what it is about large breasts, probably the first thing my eyes wander to after her face. But I have despaired of controling my wandering eyes. All I can do is be conscious of what I am doing it as soon as I can.
Ah "the girls in their summer dresses"
a short story.

I been reading a book called "Is that a gun in your pocket" about women who came to power in hollywood. Nora Ehpron a picture of her sitting at a table in a nightclub, her husband Carl Bernstein (of watergate fame) beside her. with a woman sitting on his lap. Ephron is looking away her face a study.
My eyes may wander to her breasts but it is her face, any woman's face that I laser focus on.

I wanted to start another thread title sublimation. How many times have I mentioned that. One of the things that interests me about G. Stein is her interest in chit chat and repetition. That woman was hip. I mean she knew quantum mysticism.

Eva Shapiro, I love you
we played piggly wiggly went to market with my toes

False memory?
I don't know.

rest in peace crazy mike
she forgave you long ago
but it took me longer

I wanted to start another thread because I wanted small text boxes to string together using the bb code for lists. make a table of contents. But this is going with the flow. That is just my ego trip. I think it can still be done.

Screen shots Mindy McAdams writing for the net.

HyperText Breakdown
http://www.studioeight.tv/phpbb/posting ... st&p=60108

One more note:
Doreen was joking when she said she was confused when I wrote you know me better than I know myself. She can see our IP addresses she knows where we are posting from.
But you probably knew that.

When you are logged
onto your art log you will see a little button up in the right hand top corner above each post that reads IP
Whch if clicked on shows the IP address of any poster there.

I was thinking about Buffalo New York today. Back in the summer of 1974 I was there with the circus. A happy time for me. Laying back on an elephant stand looking up into the night sky and feeling that tender indifference Merseault saw through his cell window.

God I love Camus
The burden of freedom
that True Believers can not bear.
They don't want freedom
not really it scares the bejeezus out of them.

[stilltrucking]

just in case my sloppy writing confuses anyone
it was not jimboloco or cecil who were making those threats. They were just upset with me for dot dot doting out those posts. I can't blame them for feeling that way. It was stupid.