dream book

[SadLuckDame]

These dreams eat me alive.
I went to sleep early too last night. I'm not on any meds, or eating strange foods. I don't know why it is for me.
Trucker, you were young and in love at least once, weren't you?
I'm trying to remember.
I was young and in love, but we'd of murdered each other, him and I. We tried to. After that, we were both scared to play with such heat and called it off. The love and hate were too extreme and equal. It was like he'd cornered a pit viper.

No one can love a dame, except possibly some extraordinary man. I've created fictional characters to play it out. They may only exist in novels. I'm difficult, my own making it so.
It must be worth it to me.

I've decided I can handle being alone if that is what fate has chosen. I can. I wouldn't rather it, but I'll not just take up any guy.
I keep reading these astrology forums.
Mostly in jest, but the things said of cancers.
It's like eating pills. Cancers look for soulmates. They dream too much. They're unrealistic. It doesn't look too bright for me.
I'm but a dreamer they say.
I'm o.k. with dying alone. I've gotta make decisions based on my internals from here on. That's how I do. It works better for me.

I'd rather my ownself or some extraordinary guy. Because, I'd already dabbled in going about it incorrectly before. Settling is for mutts. I was too much mutt. I'll not go that way again.

I'll have to look back, for I can't picture you at all very forward and romantic. My apologies for saying it as so, but I don't mean it cruelly.
You seem rather content without women mucking ya up
and women do do that sort of bratty thing, not all women, just a lot do.

[stilltrucking]

It is good you don't mind dying alone dame. Because you know nobody can walk that lonesome valley

I think about jimboloco and the good work he does. I could not imagine anyone taking care of the dying with more compassion.

For a long time I used to worry how I was going to die. I mean I wanted a "good death"

By a good death I mean with my boots on, under the stars. Not in a sterile white room with tubes in my arms "watched over by machines of loving grace" Did richard brautigan know irony?

These are my golden years.
I am almost free of those "rosy cheeked demons and starry eyed dolls"
Women's bodies are such sticky things in their bellies they hold the treasures.

Oh yeah if I was a carpenter and you were a lady

I can't hardly think about sex any more with out thinking of babies.
That is all we want to do is fill you up with babies.

Hard to find a man that is not double minded about women. Surely not me.

Yes I am a real mucky muck when it comes to women.

Dream on baby dream on

It was a nice dream
She was so glad to see me
she had such lovely breasts
apples they was.

I am hoping for a better breed of man to come along
I am in despair about us now.
We grew up a generation apart
we were
or at least I was
clueless in the fifties

Walked around all day with tented pants every time I saw linda dembo in my home room class and no idea what the hell was happening to me
It was before PG-13 even.

I used to talk about this shit with my baby sister before she got married.

Dream on dreamer
do not fear your dreams
have you ever remembered something that happened to you and then wonder if it really happened? Or if it was a dream. I have heard that a person can not die in their dreams. But I wonder, I can almost remember my death.
He not busy dying is busy being born
Life and death
and wonder why

[SadLuckDame]

I'd wanted more babies, at least one more. At the time though our marriage was on the fritz and before that he'd say no cause it'd be more money out of his pocket. He didn't ever like being responsible for anyone other than himself. It used to hurt me not to be able to dream of having at least another at the time. I'm glad I've got two and both healthy.
Best job in the world is being a mama. I was just cut out for it. Anyway, it was the beginning of his and I's no more.
Had I no morals or values or heart, I'd laid out in the street to get another baby. Damn.
I think back on it, at the time I'd had nothing but the job of mama.
I'm glad the catfish woke me up. I'm doing so much better. I've no fears of what else I could be, plus I'm finally out of the house.
I miss the catfish.

[SadLuckDame]

I hope I'll pass in my Alzheimers disease, thinking of myself at four asking God to let me die while I'm still innocent...

[stilltrucking]

You don't know that for sure do you?

I don't know how I will die. But I would like to lose some weight before I do. I hate to think about the poor guys from EMS getting a hernia trying to haul all this dead meat away.

True Love
I believe in it
and I am grateful to have found it
even if I walked away from it.


"I have always been crazy but it's kept me from going insane"

Alzheimers is spooky, it reminds me of a movie called "Charly" it is based on a short story called "Flowers For Algernon" The original movie was made in 1968 a more recent made for TV movie was done in 2002

http://en.allexperts.com/e/f/fl/flowers ... gernon.htm

I hope you are wrong dame, I hope you are a hypochondriac like me.

I used to like that guess who song, "I hope I die before I get Old"

But then I found this version by The Zimmers that I like even better.

[SadLuckDame]

I've read that book. It was excellent, I cried, the ending just snapped me. Wow! You've just zapped me back to that emotional ending. It's such a beautiful book.

I don't know, but there's a lot to fear in most things. I think I just have settled it in my mind it'll happen to me if I'm not murdered or drowned. I'd prefer it over the two, I can admit that.

Do you believe people have gut feelings on how they'll go out? I do.
I've never felt it'll be an accident, nor terminal sickness, or anything except possibly drowning or old age. The women in my family live very long, they out live their brothers. I don't know Jack. I guess it's morbid of me. I'm just speaking of the things I'm most familiar with.
I wish I'd not have to die.
I wish you'd not either.
But, I've spooked myself on imagining living forever. That sort of creeps me out when truly absorbing it. I don't like to lose loved ones, it isn't something to get used to and I've not the strength to think on it.

[stilltrucking]

.My brother does not call himself a Christian but he believes that Christ brought us eternal life. Not sure what Nietzsche meant by eternal return. Do you have any idea what he meant?

I think I will die behind the wheel like my father before me. And I will most likely burn to death. Something hideous like that so I can be grateful to die.

Most likely I will die from kidney failure if I keep on like this. I can not sleep more than two hours at a time because I have to get up to pee. I need to get some test strips to see how bad my blood sugar is. I keep giving all my money away which is stupid. She needs me alive more than she needs the little money I have to give her.



No I don't know that it matters. I guess I would prefer to let my death be a mystery. I want to learn to play the saxophone and die behind the wheel. ALways liked that song. They call me deacon blues?

[SadLuckDame]

I write him to let him live forever.
Do you think he knows it Jack?
I can't bare to lose him or leave him lonely. I've made too much of him in my mind to let him go out without staying between the lines. Something of him to stay. It might be more fictional, but not all of it. He's the catfish in Richard Brautigan's piece. Drives the lonely thoughts away.
He deserves to be written better than I can muster up, but I do my best.
It's the only thing I know is put him between the lines.
I can't believe you have me admitting so much of him.

I think the mystery would be if he's real or not.
It's a mystery to me too.
I don't even know myself any longer.
It's what it is.

Yes, I believe in eternal life.
It's my thoughts that'll keep a go.
I think I've some really great thoughts, so really I'm relieved they'll continue. May be vain of me to admit. But, I do likes myself. I don't think many likes me back, I likes myself though.
I'm on the right track.
I'm determined to be a listener of my soul.
It doesn't mean I'm fitting enough for Christians
cause I'm not.
It just means my soul is pleasantly appreciative of the attention I'm paying to it by listening more.
I make a lot of mistakes, but I'm fine with them.

What is happening to your kidneys?
You won't need dialysis will you? or is it stones?
Truly she'll need you alive. Money is too over-rated.
I was happiest at my poorest.
I said that once and the catfish told me it was cause I was always stoned then. That could be the truth. Ha!
i haven't smoked one in over ten years.
I had to give it up, it started behaving like a bad trip.
I think I have a chemical imbalance.

[stilltrucking]

I make a lot of mistakes, but I'm fine with them.

I think that maybe what Nietzsche’s eternal return is all about. If
we can live our lives as if they are perfect as if we would not change a thing. As if our lives were a work of art.

As much as I miss not having children and it was never my intent not to have children it just worked out that way so that now I can say it was good that I did no spread my genes. I deserve my Darwin award for improving the genome. Because I think Barbara was right

"Natural selection, as it has operated in human history, favors not only the clever but the murderous." Barbara Ehrenreich

___________


I still enjoy the smoke but it is the going up and coming down I am tired of. Been a couple of months since I smoked and I enjoy the leveling out these days. But I may smoke again.

Diabetics work the hell out of their kidneys when they are out of control. The kidneys trying to get all that sugar out of their blood. I have heard high blood sugar described as sulfuric acid in your veins because of all the damage it does. I suppose that is the only chemical imbalance I have.

_______

My catfish Christ is an amalgam of my brother who is the kindest man I know, the most Christ like man I know and also certain people I have met at Quaker Meetings.

My belief in Christ makes no sense at all, because I believe in the God of Spinoza and Einstein who is not a personal god. I have the faith of a heretic I suppose. I think my Christ within is a creation of my unconscious mind, someone to lean on when I am overwhelmed with grief and remorse. The Christ is in all of us the Quakers say. And Jung spoke of an collective unconscious, maybe so. Maybe the Buddha and the Christ are part of that. I don't know. I will have to sleep on that some more.

Richard brautigan wrote my life.

I can hear them now
the heartless bitches!

"He's cute
but his nose
is old."

Among all these poets and artists on studio eight I feel like "a pearl onion on a banana split". Never wanted to be an artist or a poet, science was my passion my first love.

One can see that matters of the intellect and beauty, or in other words, science and art, blend together because they have always been one thing; so that artistic activity definitely belongs among the sciences, as a kind of fifth faculty if you like – is no less a humanistic profession, insofar as, to repeat myself, its main theme or concern is human beings.
Thomas Mann The Magic Mountain

Thinking about chemical imbalances and Sylvia.

Understanding Plath's biology underscores her very human, as opposed to iconic, instinct toward self-preservation. If one accepts the possibility that Plath's true demon was not something of her own making but a force, or forces, she was quite powerless against, her attempts to juggle the details of her daily life, to care for herself and her small children alone and furthermore to programmatically write "dawn poems in blood" to save her sanity seem nothing less than courageous”

A sort of Haiku I wrote for Sylvia

Tragic chemistry
Silent woman’s- p. m. s.
Can kill a poet............

[SadLuckDame]

From reading your writing, I'd say you'd have a good mind worth spreading around. More of those genes would do some good instead of so many people walking about in empty cages. Do you see what I mean? There are too many empty cages Jack. It's spooky. You'd of done well to fill their bellies up. The catfish must have twenty babies by now. I haven't heard from him in almost a year.

Thinking of filling bellies again, and of Plath. After my daughter was two, the doctor wanted to rip my insides out, due to endo. She'd said it'd be best for me to rid myself of all those spider webs. I couldn't let her. I was young then and I really enjoyed babies in the belly. And, I wouldn't mind at all spreading my genes, my Grandma's, my Nana's about. I look at my two and I think they're amazing when I see my Grandma's spit and vinegar jumping out at odd moments. To keep putting traces of my family's blood in the world sounded great by me.

I refused the hysterectomy. I would of been only 27. To think the ex wouldn't allow me another was high stress for me at the time. I had all sorts of thoughts on it. Didn't he get it, I'd refused such surgeries because I'd wanted another. Because I'd fear they'd rob me of another. There he'd done more damage than any could have. There was no hope on connection after that. I'd forever be unkind. It was matters of the heart. It was thoughts of dying Grandparents. It was too much to undo. I'm over it now. But, I'm thinking of it just this briefly.

I think the ex knew his genes were not a good thing to spread, but at least they'd of survived mixed with mine. I'm very vain. But, it's because I think so highly of my grandparents. It's a way of keeping them here.

[SadLuckDame]

I don't know why I'm being so cocky and proud at the moment. Halfway through October I was having a melt down saying,
"To battle me is wearing me out.
I wish myself on no one.
I'm a chore."
I might have what Sylvia suffered then. I keep track of the moon better than I do cycles.

What I'd meant to say was I'd dreamt of our dove. It flew out the door, against my wishes. I'd spent quite a long time chasing it from outdoor perch to perch to branch. I'd finally made a true grasp for it, like catching a wild fly ball in a baseball game. At first, I'd thought I may have hurt it in my capture. But, I think it was just shocked I'd really went for it after-all.

[stilltrucking]

No chore to me sad luck
I am so stupid about those bodies of yours.
But at least I give myself credit of being aware of my stupidity.
I miss Molly Ivins
she wrote a column about about a group of women wearing body stockings with a woman's reproductive system outlined on it.
They went to Austin to lobby for womens reproductive rights.
A legislative body composed mostly of men who were as ignorant as I am of women's bodies but who still felt qualified to pass laws dictating what her rights to her body were.

Have you ever heard White Bird
always liked that song you just reminded me of it

[SadLuckDame]

I'd just had had an Oh umm, moment over my attitude. It was as if I was suggesting I should have men's babies. I don't know where my head goes. I'm a chore, though you're too kind to tell me.

My body is just as confusing to me. It's been at it's height this week. It has been at rage against me. It'd strangle me if I'd allow it. The whole body works together, would maybe be like a man's piece with it's own mind, except mine is the whole body with it's own ideas against my mind, thoughts.

Thanks for White Bird Trucker. It was very nice to listen to, so I did twice.

[stilltrucking]

Comparative Embryology, I took that course in 1961. I remember the graphs of the hormone cycles of the female mammalian reproductive system. How the different hormones (there were so many different hormones not just 2 or 3 if I remember right) tides sweep through this one going up to trigger another going down, it looked like a roller coaster. I mean the way the graphs of the rising and falling chemicals looked on the x/y axis. I was impressed with the intricacies. Makes ya want to believe in intelligent design.

I don't know dame, that god of the Hebrew children sure put it on on Eve. All Adam had to do is was earn his bread by busting his balls. Ya know there is a prayer somewhere in the Talmud I think maybe where the Jew thanks the creator for making a him a man not a wombman.

My true love enjoyed being a girl. That made me so happy even if I could not understand it.

She loved Flower Drum Song, she would dance around singing this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjWn-ueeeLw

[SadLuckDame]

My sorries per usual. It's all old news by now, glad it's gone too.
Hey Jack, I wish I've read Sylvia Plath, but I've never (except that article you'd just posted). I should read some of hers to get an idea of her. I think I was imagining her like Virginia Woolf.
I don't know what it is you'd just said to me. x/y z on an axis. But, I do want to believe in intelligent design.

I likes being a girl, too. I'd not choose to be male. Tell me what it feels like to be male? I'd like to hear of it. I know a little bit from reading Henry Miller because he really involves himself on explaining his maleness. I think Anais must of dug that about him.