Cancer lady, firstly

[SadLuckDame]

I'm so very unhappy
I'm not handling my work transition.
I'm relieved it's Friday. Now I'm gonna go to sleep to keep from bursting.

[stilltrucking]

"they say I was a rebel till I reached the age of five
it was then that I got caught up in the struggle to survive"

--Peggy Wilson, waitress Sambo's restaurant, Atascadero California 1976

Sometimes I get worried about my job. I think what am I going to do to survive if I lose it? Then I think well I got my social security check retirement coming in every month I can always survive on that. Then I think what happens if the government goes bust and I get an IOU instead of a check next month.

Then I worry about something else. Stroke or heart attack or lung cancer. Meanwhile I try to have a good time.

the workplace can make infinite demand, so too can we make those same demands of our self......i like this introspective look at how we eternally question whether we are good enough, if we measure up, a most stressful endeavor that us humans seem to be unable to avoid....perhaps the message here is, do your best, considering all the variables of each new day.....and fuck the rest.....

SAW

[SadLuckDame]

Hi Jack. I scare so many away, that happens everywhere
I just get so very highly up there
I begin to feel my ego,
begin to feel my pride, then dare I start to taste invincible...
It happens too often for me
must be my childish charms whiming me on
encouraging it/me, illusion, I'm so dreamy
so easily dream
and then wham
I wake up
I find I'm vulnerable, that I'm human myself and weak and dumb and not so special or magical or irreplaceable. I'm replaceable, Jack. It breaks my heart to come down from a high. And it breaks my heart to think nobody thinks I've such talents, or personality or character or whit or whimsical or charming or entertaining except me. I come off that high horse, that fashioned childhood survivor mechanism of pretending so wholly beauty and possibilities.
Now I goes back to work Monday, again humble, again servitude and naught but naught to be stepped on and fully if where when must a foot go down to squish me beautifully, as I should be.
they surely squish me there
work is so humbling
so real there's no room for my ego
I'm a mess as usual
but I feel better after last nights
chomping
Thank you Jack too for reminding me to have a good time
it's the soothing things
I appreciate you.

[SadLuckDame]

Alls I know is I can't believe in religion any more. Religion is what got me, not the Bible, just the churches, the pastors, the herds. I don't think it has anything to do with a personal God, everyone is entitled to have their God. The problem is, people tend to 'herd', they act together regardless of if they completely agree internally with what scene is happening. A herd is very dangerous. A herd has painful outcomes, and people aren't following their guts any longer or their God if they follow a leader and unity. That is what I'm against. I'll not follow, I'll go on gut and I need to make my gut as loud as possible so I can hear it even during chaos.

What happened first during The Battle at Wounded Knee and before hand? What happened first during the Salem witch trials? What happened first during the Battles littering history? Or during any intolerance? Some person gets loud, confident and takes a leadership role. Then most people are naturally too weak to decide for their ownselves, so they group together and go with the loud leader, he seems sure, he has a mission, a plan, a hate, a desire, he's burning with it and they will go too, because they know no better to listen internally, they never practiced what their own voices sound like. It's scary to on the spot if not practiced, not lived prior.

It's sad and I don't want to fall into that trap myself.
I'll make myself better conditioned to the sound of my own guts, and if a little girl runs out holding a white flag, I'll not look to someone else to decide for me what to react. I'll react how I need to and if I die doing so, or make a faulty move, it's not going to be someone else's plan or idea or fault. I'll own it. If I can be that woman, then I'll have lived the best life with my life that I could.

* That image of her holding the white flag just tears me up. It brought back a lot of emotion from reading the book. My apologies if I sounded defensive towards you, I wasn't at all, just was burning mad how people just allow themselves to follow the moment, no matter how cruel, hatred obvious or what have ya is going on cause they're so robotic or weak. As if I was ready to address those people. I'm being emotional. I'm sorry.

[SadLuckDame]

A dark Cancer. I think my boss is a Scorpio, she wants to possess me like the x had and I'll not truly let her, but I might trick her into thinking she's got a grip on all of me, until I slide out backwards. Already I'm learning what it is she likes, and I'll use it to my advantage. I'll gift her what she wants to hear, than gain more freedom. If I'm to be taken, it'll be in the heat.


~I have had one very close female Scorpio friend once. I'd ended the friendship because she was every bit female and enticing, I couldn't handle how female she was. The feminine perfect, beautiful, it was hard to stand next to.

My boss isn't at all like this though, I wish she were. She's more ouch on my feelings with the possession than too hot to handle.

Tomorrows a new day.

[stilltrucking]

Something u wrote on my asylum made me think of that picture of Jackie O climbing over the trunk of the presidential Lincoln that day in Dallas. All the media pundits were saying that she was going to get help for her husband. Only Lenny Bruce said what it was. She was hauling ass out of there. And I think if JFK had any last words they were "Run Jackie Run."




I loved the line in that old Richard Farina song
"Pack up all your sorrows
you need to lose them
I know how to use them"

You have had a very positive effect on my life the short time we have been cyber pen pals.
I would say to you "Pack up all your fears, I know how to use them"
And you know how to use mine.


What you are saying about the herd sounds like Eric Hoffer to me. What we are talking about is sheep in wolves clothing.


Interesting article,

Wednesday, 04 April 2007
More on Eric Hoffer: The True Believer Revisited
Introduction: The events of 9/11/01 brought a renewed interest in Hoffer. This article by Tim Madigan examines why Hoffer's thought is of enduring interest.

The True Believer Revisited
Tim Madigan on September 11th and a longshoreman who understood the psychology of mass movements.


Hoffer is very perceptive in his criticisms, and much of what he has to say is relevant to the present situation. For instance, he points out that we often imitate what we hate. "Every mass movement", he writes, "shapes itself after its own specific demon." And it can then become the very demon it denounces. Christianity in the Middle Ages became so obsessed with devils and witchcraft that it justified mass slaughter and the very sorts of atrocities one would normally attribute to satanic forces. The Jacobins who overthrew the French Monarchy because of its tyranny ended up becoming far greater tyrants themselves, and unleashed The Great Terror upon the populace. The Bolsheviks in Russia denounced capitalism yet amassed a monopoly, and Lenin took over the Czar’s secret police apparatus without a moment’s hesitation.

http://bartoncii.xanga.com/581648156/mo ... revisited/

[stilltrucking]

I can't releate to the boss thing. I have had hundreds of jobs. I think the count was about 200 the last time I counted them and that was over thirty years ago. Now I work at home my own hours and I never talk to my boss. It is all done over the internet with text messages. It is very sweet.
A crazy boss is a pain. I have had a few of those. I liked that Califurnia surfer saying "Shine it on" That's all you can do I think. I hope you figure it out. What is really sweet is being your own boss. Having your own business. But it take discipline. I had a computer business making good money but if I had a good day I would take a couple of days off. Yeah I was a lazy boss.

[SadLuckDame]

She was hauling ass out of there.

Yes, a trick of the eye. I likes that.
Friends still say to me, "I'm so sorry about..." and I say, "For what? I'm better now."

All of my fears, all of your suggestiveness and I'm smiling truly. It keeps my brain active, the enjoyment interacting. Keep steering, and it's good by me cause then I go looking down each avenue.

we often imitate what we hate. "Every mass movement"

I agree. And I'm guilty of it in many aspects, which occurs to me how often that's a reality. I fear being controlled, possessed and without my freedom to choose. But, I've tried possessing during chaotic moments, myself. I can apply that to other things besides just possession, but decided it'd be a very good example.

sheep in wolves clothing.

Absolutely.

Perfectly the boss thing comes into play here.
First impression, she'd given me heck. It troubled me to be on the receiving end of guilt trips. Guilt trips up to my eye lashes from the x. I damn well didn't want to be back to it.

A pattern of that is begining with the boss, and I'll not be controlled, for I'm a natural giver of my own gifts on my own desires to give. If guilted, tricked, possessed into giving when I'd of naturally done so, gets me irate. And here I am playing wolf in sheep's clothes.

I'm no better. I'm well aware.
But, I'll suffer knowing that of myself, as trade off for my freedom to decide for me, that way I stay healthy in the environment. I can't do what I'd done for 10 years. It nearly swallowed me up.

[SadLuckDame]

I bet you miss Jen
her sexy sultry voice
on the other end of the line.
It got to me good.
We'd had a discussion on envy
or jealousy.
I don't know if I've changed much
though I would of liked to.
Now and then I wish I were more
woman than plain jane
except I don't have the shoes for it.

[the mingo]

Good piece of work that.

[Diana Moon Glampers]

ten four mingo that was good stuff

obligatory ramble to follow

When I see you writing I sleep better
I don't see you writing I worry about you

I will tell you speaking as one without ovaries and one testickle hanging by a string that one son of a bitch I don't miss is the jackofnightmares. I was in my thirties before I could calmly walk up a set of stairs out of any basement anywheres without feeling like the claw of satan was hot on my trail coming up behind me to drag me down.

<center>
Eva Shapiro, Betty Rosensweig (aka the good witch of the north) with The Jack of Nightmares,

[the mingo]

Ok now I'm concerning too. 2 days - no posts.

You trying to break us ?

Have mercy, woman.

[SadLuckDame]

Ooo, I'm sorry for the disappearing act.
Was just pitying myself cause of the freezy weather. Snuggling in blankets is the place to be, even if lonely it's warm enough.
It's so cold out.

Thanks for being friends to my dame and wanting to hear my babbling.
I wish I'd something brilliant to reply in return, but I gots nothing much but the blues. And a wink

[the mingo]

I'll take that wink. And here's to the blues. May they come...and go... forever.

[SadLuckDame]

Dear mingo,