Friendship

[Doreen Peri]

(OK, it's a corny post. I can't help it. Please forgive me, my friends.)

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Friends are precious human commodities.

Because they are human, they have emotions. Sometimes they have misunderstandings with each other. Sometimes they get upset. Sometimes they get hurt. Sometimes they cry. Sometimes they misinterpret what's been said during conversations. And sometimes they get angry.

I think it's important for friends to allow each other to be themselves and express their emotions. Someone else's emotions are often just as hard to handle as our own. But friendships are worth it. If you are someone's friend, it's important to listen to them and to be open to their emotions.

I have lots of friends. I am always interested in making new friends. I have new friends and old friends. Some have been my friends for over 30 years. Friendshps that last always include trials. And just like a relationship with a lover, experiencing those trials and coming through them makes the relationship stronger.

What can we do to make sure friendships last and get stronger? Most of all, we have to understand and accept that the other person is human. This is how I, personally, work with my friends to build the friendship on a solid foundation.

My friends and I allow each other to get angry from time to time and we work things out through talking about our misunderstandings. We apologize when we hurt the other's feelings, no matter how unintentional. We apologize when we get angry. We forgive each other for being human.

For instance, when I lose my temper, I say to my friend, "I'm sorry I flew off the handle. I lost my temper." A true friend answers, "That's OK. I understand. You're human. I forgive you."When a friend of mine loses his or her temper, they say to me, "I'm sorry I flew off the handle. I lost my temper." And I answer, ""That's OK. I understand. You're human. I forgive you."

I've seen friends dismiss each other much too quickly. If every person decided to dismiss every person who ever got angry at them or had a misunderstanding with them, NOBODY on this planet would have ONE friend.

I remember, my mother used to have a very close friend who she designated to be my godmother. Aunt Jimmie, I called her. She wasn't related to me, but she was my mother's dear friend, and so I called her "Aunt." One day when I was about 12, Aunt Jimmie stopped coming over and calling. I asked my mother where she was. I asked her why she wasn't coming around or calling any more. My mother wouldn't talk about it. Several years later, I found out that my mother had dismissed Aunt Jimmie from her life. She had gotten so angry at Aunt Jimmie for something Aunt Jimmie said or did, that she couldn't find it in her heart to forgive her. I lost my godmother out of my life at 12 years old because of my mother's unwillingness to forgive. I was told that Aunt Jimmie tried to reconcile the relationshp by repeated apologies, even in letter form, which went unanswered by my mother.

My mother is now 89 years old and she wants to find Aunt Jimmie and reconcile the friendship but she can't find her. This is very sad. The disagreement, my mother says, was nowhere near important enough to dismiss her friend from her life. My mom wishes she can go back and make a different decision but it's way too late.

I've seen this many times. I've seen friendships get annihilated because of one party's unwillingness to forgive. I've seen marriages and lovers break up for the same reason. I've seen families where one brother won't speak to the other brother for years on end over something that was said when they were young. When you confront them and ask them what the incident was that caused them to cut their own brother out of their life, nine times out of ten, they don't even remember, years later.

"All you can ever ask out of life is some decent poetry and a sincere apology" - some unfamous poet has said that over and over and over and that would be me.

Friendship means the world to me. I would do everything in my power to try to keep each and every one of my friends and work on strengthening our friendship.

Do you have any friends who you have lost track of because of some misunderstanding, but would like to renew that friendship? If so, I encourage you to do so. Remember the words that mean the most. "I'm sorry." and "I forgive you." Say both often.

Oh, and if there are any missing friends out there, please tell him and her I said hello and I'm terribly sorry. Tell them I forgive them, too, OK?

What does friendship mean to you?

Do you have any stories about lost friendships?

[mousey1]

I will post something here Doreen. I don't think this is corny at all. Friendship is a most lovely word. When you reach out the hand of love and friendship to one it is a terrible blow when they slap your hand away.....batting at a gnat. Sometimes I feel like such a gnat......

Anyway, true love and friendship is a blessing. Derned hard to find. Worth pursuing. I think alot of lost friendships are due to our innate distrust, our, I suppose, suspicious natures, the idea that there's been a slight committed when indeed there is usually another, more plausible reason, a simple misunderstanding. The tough thing happens when this person that you really want in your life silently and firmly closes the door on you, without giving you a chance to make things right. Sad, sad, sad.....

Anyway, again, I've written something along these lines and may tap it in here at a later date.....or not, we'll see. I may just send it to him but I don't want to trod on his toes. You got to respect people's wishes, even if you're pretty sure they've got it all wrong. Dilemma, dilemma, difuckin'lemma.

Anyway, again, again, I will be back. I may have lots to say......or not.

[hester_prynne]

Friendship is about communication, trust, honesty, and mutuality.
Without that, it's a guessing game, a power and control game. Learned agendas, destined to hurt someone. I've been guilty of this myself, due to ignorance.

My capacity for friendship, I believe has grown to be extremely strong.
I am more careful with that as I've gotten older, as this has been a vulnerability for me, and it has taken extreme lessons for me to understand that, extremely painful lessons.

I don't think your post is corny Doreen.

I would like more than anything to return to believing friendship is that simple for everyone.
But I've learned that it isn't. It's a precious gift, not to be taken, or given lightly. Misuse of this gift is common in our society. It probably always has been.

My friendships are few these days, but each one is mutually precious, and there is thriving as a result of that!

H

[perezoso]

Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.

Bierce

[hester_prynne]

"Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense."

Heh. No wonder I have so few friends! But boy, do I appreciate their truth and common sense......even though it hurts sometimes, truth and common sense always lead me to better places.

here's an old friends toast from school we used to sing:

"here's to our friends,
them heaven sends,
good in o'er flowing store,
bringing us all peace and joy,
both now and everrrrrrrrrrrrrr,
more."


H

[Glorious Amok]

what's that old saying.... a friend is someone who knows all your faults, and likes you anyway? or is it... someone you can say anything to, and likes you anyway?

anyway... i have recently decided to become much more sensitive about my friendships. there are boundaries that need to be respected on both sides.

i did something that i thought wouldn't hurt a friend, but it did. and now i can't allow myself to be so flagrantly imperfect, i'm working on improving my sensibilities a bit, so i don't do something so stupid again.

and i apologized to my friend, and am making amends. but our friendship, it'll never be the same.

i used to tell my friend this story about apologies, how they weren't enough all on their own. how you have to make amends as well. and now it applies more to me....

there once was a young boy who often lost his temper. so everytime he did, his father made him go hammer a nail into their fence. at first, he hammered many nails, every day. but eventually, he knew what the cost would be of losing his temper, and it happened less and less often. until one day he went to his father and told him that it had been several days since he'd had to hammer any nails. and his father said, "i'm very proud of you son. now, for every day that you don't lose your temper, you may pull a nail from the fence." so the son pulled a nail for every day that he didn't lose his temper, until there were no more nails left in the fence. and his father said to him, "thank you son, i'm so glad that you've learned to control your temper. but now, take a look at our fence. it's all full of holes. you can pull the nails out of the holes, or you can fill them up with something else, but the wood will never be the same."

and i think friendships work this way too. a little preventative caution could have gone a long way, at least in my case.

[Arcadia]

I have a lot of friends from different places I frecuent or frecuented and activities that I do or did. They are very important for me even though sometimes I act a bit lazy towards them, but I know that they know that I love them.

[Doreen Peri]

Sorry it took me so long to get back to this thread! I've been trying to make amends with a friend, apologizing for my nasty disposition and flying off the handle with knee-jerk anger! Good name for it... knee-jerk... 'cause when I do it, that's exactly how I feel. Like a JERK!

mousey1 - You got that right! It hurts so much to have your hand slapped! I think you're absolutely right ... true love and friendship are very hard to find and many people have a problem with being able to trust. I donno. What happened to me was that I got hurt so much so many times, that I closed up tight as a drum and wouldn't open up to a soul. Then, when my last marriage broke up, I decided to turn the whole thing around 180 degrees and trust people, fully, completely, all the way. Why? Because I felt I'd already been cheating myself by being overly protective. Where had it gotten me? Nowhere but alone and miserable. And I figured, if I give 100% and keep myself open and trust people, with the knowledge that I might get hurt, what's the harm? As long as I KNOW it could happen, it would be easier if I *did* get hurt. It's a dilemma, alright, but that's how I handled it and I'm glad I did because I now have love in my life and friends I didn't expect to have. It's a miracle, really. Thank you for your thoughtful reply!

hest- That's a very good definition of friendship. Without open communication, honesty and trust from both sides, you really don't have a friendship at all. We're all vulnerable when we open ourselves up to be friends with someone. Thing is, it isn't easy. If anybody says it is, they're wrong. It always takes work, just like any relationship. Business relationships, love relationships... all relationships take work. You have to be willing to try to understand another person's point of view and to accept it, whether you agree with it or not. On both sides, it takes giving... sometimes even giving in... but always giving. And acceptance. We need to learn how to apologize when we're wrong or when we screw up. And we need to learn to accept the apology of someone else, if it is a sincere apology. Because, as I've said over and over and over, "All we can ask out of life is some decent poetry and a sincere apology." Thanks very much for your input on this, my friend.

perezoso - Actually, I think it's the opposite. Friendship is all about favors to bestow. And to experience friendship is to be full of fortune! I do agree with Bierce that truth and common sense are both vital parts of friendship, though. Thanks for the quote!

GloriousOne - That's the most fitting analogy I've ever read about friendship! I love the fence story! This hits me hard because I have always had a problem with losing my temper when I shouldn't and I tend to have a very big mouth, too! I'm learning, but I'm a slow learner sometimes. When in doubt, I should keep my freaking mouth SHUT! When I'm hurt, I say it. When I feel slighted or when someone has said or done something that makes me upset because I think they are judging me wrongly or... or ... or.... for many reasons.... I can't hold it in! I speak out when I shouldn't. Hell, ya gotta be careful you don't end up with a chain link fence fulla holes if you get angry at people too often! I have a lot to learn and your fence analogy story will stick with me, I promise you! Thank you so much!

Arcadia - As long as they know you love them, that's what counts! I'm happy to hear you have lots of friends! It doesn't surprise me at all. Your nature, from what I can see from your posts, is kind, gentle, open and giving.... the type of person we all want to have as a friend. Thanks for reading and replying, Arcadia! I appreciate it!