what if?
i thought of putting off writing a stream today. i have too many thoughts I'm entertaining. maybe if i keep it all in lower case it will make it a little easier. which one to pick and see what it looks like with words attached to the thought... will the words do the thought justice? what if what i want to write is not alright? what if, what if, what if? the senselessness of that question demands not an answer as much as a reaction. i took those two loud and huge words, 'what if' and i grabbed hold of them, squeezing tighter and tighter until i saw 'w' coming out between my middle and ring finger. it's a silent scene that issues no blood, no fireworks... nothing but the satisfaction of manually taking "what if" and reducing those words to a incoherent pile of garble. i continue squeezing, applying more and more pressure as need increases. i see another letter desperately attempting escape from my grip... 't' begins oozing out of my clenched little finger where it meets the upper palm... the 't' comes out looking like a child's drawing of a dagger but fortunately, once again, there is no blood... it's painless but i sense this letter will plunge to the floor below and stick itself into the tiny space between the 55 year old tile floor.
what is this 'what if' that continues pounding in my head? it's turning into a madman's mantra as a voice other than my own begins to sound like a chant - "what if - what if - what if" it continues, forming some peculiar beat that may have it's origins with the primitive beating of a stick against a fallen log in a primeval forest where the sounds of mysterious birds sing along with the mesmerizing beat. but who is doing this drumming...? i convince myself at that exact moment 'who' is not important... not now. maybe never.
now i feel, just barely perceptible, a slow.. an agonizingly slow movement of sorts that gives me pause.... i raise my left hand and, while still keeping a firm grip, closely examine the curled fingers squeezing those letters. between my little finger and my ring finger there is the slightest sign of another letter seeking it's freedom from my tight grip. i watch. i raise my hand closer to my eyes to more easily see what letter is attempting to escape. it's thin and has no shape other than that of a line... a short hair-like line that eventually reveals a curl-like symbol similar to a 'u' only inverted. within moments my guess is confirmed as the 'h' hangs on to the hairs of my middle finger, attributable to the planet saturn in some circles. it looks as though this 'h' is safe from falling to the same tile floor as the 't', but how long 'h' can hold out will be interesting to observe... in between the possibility of other letters finding freedom from my clutched fist and that incessant pounding of the primitive drum in a dark, primeval forest.
"what if - what if - what if"... there isn't even a question there but just those two words making a sound, repeating itself over and over again. small beads of sweat begin forming on my brow as i continue the tight gripping, that iron-like squeeze that does nothing to stop the letters from struggling free. but i persist in maintaining the pressure in my left hand. maybe i can squeeze the life out of the remaining letters, i think, as i reach deep into my inner force to apply just a little bit more pressure to the 'a', the 'i' and the 'f' inside the dark and sweaty palm closed tightly by the fingers and thumb, which have a red glow to them now.
i smile now. i notice how that mantra is slowing down... no longer the mantra of only a few minutes ago, it is not as clear as it was... fading into a sound like "a-if, a-if, a-if". "ah hah! i'm putting an end to that damned 'what if' thanks to that grip!" i tell myself. just a little more pressure and maybe it will stop.
but my fortune is not yet to be counted. while raising my hand i sense another movement. i suddenly stop and wonder if it is not the 'h' about to lose it's hold on the hairs of saturn's finger? but no! it's another letter that i see right at the junction of the middle finger and the ring finger. i bring my clenched hand closer to watch the squiggle of ... what letter is it? i wait to see the final escape of the 'a'... that first of all letters may now be the final letter which escapes my mighty grip that has caused my fingers to glow red and sweat as much as my brow. can i or can't i? i ask myself in an almost prayer-like desperation for a power larger than my own iron grip to aid it putting to an end the remaining letters imprisoned, if not dead, in my right fist... the 'f' and the 'i'. is that still 'if' or has it transformed into 'fi'? will those two letters die together in each others shadow as they were together when i grabbed them and began my relentless struggle to silence their sounds.
once again i hear in the silence of the scene: a barely perceptible sound of 'if, if, if' that turns into a jolting 'IF, IF, IF' a sound of desperation... no! more of a demonic warning as 'IF' will stay alive as long as it can to haunt me for not understanding. but i have no idea what it is i'm not understanding. my grip weakens. my will to squeeze the meaning out of those words drains out of me. i'm exhausted, unable to even care anymore, my left hand falls to my side, fingers released from their grip and the two remaining letters float gracefully to the 50 year old tiled floor below.
i feel ashamed... ashamed and embarrassed for what i have done. it wasn't their fault, these six innocent letters didn't come together on their own to challenge me. those six letters came together to say something... suggest something to me. they came together to take me into a different place from where i was. 'what if' was meant to take me to a new place... a 'what-if place' that was an improvement over where i was. my impatience became desperation as i fought to maintain where i was and held that place in time as the final place to be. i had forgotten change happens. i had ignored the power of change and change won. it always does. it always has. i cannot stop change any more than i can stop thought.
a chill takes over me. i 'm cold... cold and uncaring. i begin feeling as though i were made of ice. i feel alone with my feelings with nobody to share them with. in this loneliness within i know what isolation is. even that word, isolation, sounds so horrible, so empty, empty like a shattered vase that will never be able to hold the life-giving waters of life for a bouquet of freshly picked flowers from fields alive with life unfettered by concern. ice-o-lation... even the word is cold not only the definition.
i slump to the floor in a heap, my body shivering with that ice-o-lation and feeling of abandonment that i alone am responsible for. i'm like a rogue glacier lost at sea, the cold and foreboding north sea that gives a cruel and restless home to rogue icepacks and glaciers who have jumped their parent glaciers to end up melting away slowly... very, very slowly while the cold waves pound relentlessly against their reducing mass.
with no pillow to support my head, i lay on the cold lifeless tile and i see one... no, two... wait a second! there's three letters very near each other - the 'w', the 'a' and is that the 'h' that clung in desperation to the little hairs on my middle finger..? yes! there they are, only inches from each other. if only, i think... if only. then it happened. a sound as clear as crystal: "IF" responds to me. i can't see where the sound originated from but it did sound out -"IF" strongly and clearly. this is not an illusion or a dream, i assure myself. i slowly turn over making sure i won't roll over onto the 'i' and the 'f' trying to get my attention. half way over while on my back, i spot those two letters about midway down my chest, close to my belly. how they survived under me when i spotted the 'w', 'a' and 'h' was quite a surprise to me, but i'm relieved. i, o, so carefully place my right hand down next to the two letters and very gently scoop them into the palm, making sure i don't grip my hand into a fist like my left hand did such a short while ago.
after making sure 'IF' is secure, i roll over to my original position and stretch out my right hand towards the direction of the other three letters. i gently turn the right hand over so the 'i' and 'f' slowly slip out of the palm and onto the tiled floor.
now, i ask myself, how can you reunite these letters, make them whole again and meaningful? i'm still cold... bone cold, deep inside. my first priority is regaining my warmth so i can properly think straight what to do when it strikes me like a jolt of electricity! i have to hold out hope that 't' was okay and not crushed by my slumped body lying prone on the cold floor. it's my only chance at redemption...
i place my head on it's side, cheek flat on the floor, so i can scan for the 't' in hopes that it's still stuck dagger-like into the tiny gap between two tiles. the coldness of the tile doesn't help my shivering subside at all but increases as my eyes slowly look across the floor. yes, the other three letters are within inches of each other, so hopefully, 't' won't be located in the same area. i'm sure nobody has had to find such a tiny thing, possibly a 5 or 6 font letter, lower case, on a vast expanse of tile, but i had no choice. it had become a do or die situation.
but nothing can be seen that even remotely resembles a letter, 't' or not. my shivering is increasing as i feel defeated. my legs curl up in a fetal position to hopefully retain what little warmth i have left. i cock my head to another position, shifting this fetal mass onto the opposite side. my luck may change since the light seemed in little bit brighter here. i once again begin my slow, deliberate scan across the tiled floor, hoping, no! praying now that i can find 't'. but nothing... my chances are growing more and more slim by the minute and my warmth's leaving me so cold, so cold and lonely curled up on this tile floor. it's when i curled my body even tighter that i think i see something that at least resembles a 't', so thin and delicate like a hair, standing vertically. it had to be 't'... it just had to be or my freezing body will be the only thing left of me... lifeless like an ice cube.
using my right hand once again, i slowly sweep it across the floor towards that vertical standing 'something'. unable to completely see the cross top of the 't' because of it's position, i still go ahead and ease my open palm close to this object so as to not crush it or lose it. keeping my hand close to it, i force my body to edge closer to the outstretched arm to use two hands to get this last hope in safely in hand.
success! now i only have to confirm if this was indeed, my 't'... my lost 't' the second escapee from my left hand, what... a half hour, maybe one hour ago? time is meaningless when the body is so cold... only warmth is needed, not numbers describing something as abstract as time when that same body is on the edge of death.
I slowly bring my left arm towards my head, before focusing on the content within my palm. i blink my eyes several times as to clear them before looking. it is the 't'! lying there on it's side looking so helpless and useless without any other letters next to it.
i again summon the energy to flip my near-frozen body over to where i had seen the other letters. once comfortably turned over, at least comfortable enough to assuredly stretch out my arm with it's precious cargo, it slide next to the three letters that accompanied the 't' prior to my 'incident' that brought about their separation.
being so cognizant of my freezing body, i can only use my own mental power, power enough i'm hoping to send a message to those four letters that hold the key to my recuperation from my freezing body and my mental ice-o-lation. the letters regrouped to their first positions, but 'what' wasn't needed right now. the letters slowly rearranged themselves as if they understand... 't' begins the word, followed by that rascally 'h' that held on so long. then the 'a' comes up next to 'h' (i could almost see them nudge each other), when 'w', the very first letter to get out of my grip, finishes the word to save my very life: t-h-a-w. i immediately feel a rush of warmth shooting thru my body bringing me such a relief that i had not known forever, or so it seemed. as the warmth continues spreading i'm able to find the energy to get up from that cold tiled floor and on my feet. the thaw is over and the question of the 'if' is answered up to that moment - 'if' i had not had 'thaw' i would not be here telling this story.
{pssst! never underestimate the power of words}
cecil
21 february 2020
picture of the week:
what if?
* * * * * * *
what if
these figures
were inspired by
unearthly beings
who lived life in
celebration
and dance
feasting
as if life
is boundless
limitless
and eternal
and when we
took off the headgear
our mundane reality
would lull us into
a false sense of being
that limited living
to nothing more
than
hours and minutes
days and weeks
months and years
based on our own
limited knowledge
of what true living
may be like
once we put on a
new head
?
?
?
what if
what
if
?
photo: cecil (from the mescalero apache reservation's 'inn of the mountain gods')* * * * * * *
what if
these figures
were inspired by
unearthly beings
who lived life in
celebration
and dance
feasting
as if life
is boundless
limitless
and eternal
and when we
took off the headgear
our mundane reality
would lull us into
a false sense of being
that limited living
to nothing more
than
hours and minutes
days and weeks
months and years
based on our own
limited knowledge
of what true living
may be like
once we put on a
new head
?
?
?
what if
what
if
?
in spanish, what if? is "y si?" and the conditional and the affirmative "si" have only a difference marked by tilde diacrítica (stress?, ling?) 
