Cancer lady, firstly

[SadLuckDame]

I tell him he's in need of anger management
otherwise I might die too early
my lights out, time's up
and there's so much I'd like to still do
climb mountains in the desert
explore art I've only heard of
and kiss back.

A good thing I'm built
with strong imagination
just in-case--
I was almost there.

[SadLuckDame]

Anyway, he was aggressive last week, and I felt under foot, but a bug of me he squashed and he'd nothing about him to keep him to with-hold putting pressure. The x, the drama of that.

When I'm at breaking point, I go to explode then I can't exactly because there's this gentleness within, a deeper than I, and it goes with its whispering to keep me lighter, than I'd be if it weren't interfering.

The spirit in me. The monster in me. The battle with-in and there it is, but I was looking out for a similar battle to bare down upon him, too, as it does me, except there was only monster, the intensity of the monster. Any time there's a monster, I'm able to be with it, but only if the spirit makes a showing to calm the beast. That's what sustains me enough--the wait for the spirit transformation...If the beast hasn't calmed, I'm alarmed at it's enormousness, I'm at a loss and I'm not equipped there or something like it.

I'm really not making much sense, but what I needed was a distraction from this thought process and I did get it in many forms lately.

A hefty burden I've carried about was that of my former boss lady. I, disarmed when she'd given me up, given me off to the new boss lady. The new boss lady gave me new burdens, too, where she seemed highly critical and a tad not trust-worthy, etc.

But, I've found out from her yesterday that the old boss lady had actually would of preferred to have kept me, except her own boss ladies decided I'd be best choice in moving to the new boss lady.
Also, the new boss lady is newly concerned I'd be pulled back to the old boss lady at her request, so the new boss lady is newly clinging more to me. I'm at the receiving end of her more nicer qualities lately because of it.

What to think of it? I'm relieved of some burdening and concerns I wasn't entirely liked or needed which can be difficult since I've hidden from society so long I'm not sure what I am to anyone there.

[stilltrucking]

I been looking for a purpose lately
Now that all my previous purposes have come to naught

Never saw the good side of a city till I hitched a ride on a river boat queen
never spent much time worrying about who was the boss of who
cause I guess I was just born to follow.

Anger pretty much behind me now or manaeable. one of the blessings of longevity. I lost my homicidal rage along with my teeth.

Have not comtemplated killing anyone in twenty six years.
But I don't trust myself with SSRI's
rather smoke a little pot now and then to deal with the blues then take them anti-depressants. Definetly not my cup of tea. Not my meat, my poison. I keep a close watch on this heart of mine, I walk the line cause jesus broke the wild horse in my heart

[SadLuckDame]

I can name one, but you'll disagree that it's a purpose or not much to mention, but you help keep me smiling, for the most part, although sometimes you do have me seething mad

But, what I really wanted to say is...
I've got a bigger ego than you! Ha!

[stilltrucking]

My poor little 98 pound ego
gets sand kicked in his face again.

[SadLuckDame]

I need to arrange my medicine cabinet and find something worthwhile to grow ten times my size.

Just like today, and once a week
he'll tell me-- I was being so very indifferent then, which caused him to almost commit suicide, it's a heavy burden, practically crushes me in guilt. Why does he tell me it? But then I say, I get to almost wanting to kill him, which pisses him off more.

Of course I only kill spiders and nothing else, nor do I truly mean it when telling him, I just can't listen once more about my indifference or his almost suicide. I was alive somewhere, just he didn't see it. Makes me a horrible person and that is the story truth of it.

[SadLuckDame]

I might write a book titled
Can Indifference Kill the Partner

It's my battle stance, my relations dealer and Queen of Hearts, but really it's quite mild and plenty simple, so I don't know why it creates the mad because of something as small as detachment. It goes rather well with my imagination, when indifferent I'm pretending the relationship has become non-existent.

Anyway, I've been on the receiving end of it myself, he'd ceased to exist and I'd had nothing to do to begin his return except to re-create him.

[stilltrucking]

So peaceful here
My life is a winter forest
Silent and snow bound

I never did get relationships
thank god that part of my life is gone
Longevity does has its blessings

[stilltrucking]

I know this dame
and I speak from experience
a fine line between suicide and murder
for some people
not all
some commit suicide for altruistic reasons
if you beleive in altruism.
the father who hangs himself for the insurance money to support his family because he is going blind and fears he will not be able to provide for his children.

But for some people it is a hostile act, self murder as a way of reaching out to inflict suffering, when homicidal rage turns agains the self.

Been over sixty years since I tried suicide
never understand fully what was on my eight year old mind at the time.
and it is almost fifty years since I went to sleep at night with a shot gun imagined under my chin.

Been about four years since I thoulght about walking on a beach with Virginia Woolf with my pocket full of rocks and my lungs full of cancer.

If I can be any help
if I can be your wrang wrang
well you can count on me
I am not a candle in the wind

[SadLuckDame]

Thanks Jack, and you do help, I never tell you how much, but when I begin to, well then your fresh footprints get covered by snow...ya know

I'm glad I think you caught what I meant by bringing it up, that I'm relieved you see it distinguished in two fashions. I'm just under the guilt of this thing, but it's so highly complicated.

I try to decide if my indifference was cruel or not, at times it was, but then it started out as a survival mechanism and highly needed; for I'm truly inside made of all the squishy things; too much emotion and feeling all sorts of things that normally go unnoticed.

So I'd almost had to of had some sort of battle stance. Once in awhile I prolly abused the indifference, when I could have and should have been softer, but in no way can I see throwing the attitude completely out, it was useful to keep me safely intact.

But, still the guilt, and the guilt like the valuable tool it is works similar to my indifference being a tool. Damn relationships, damn pain and destruction of possibly normally good natured people. And isn't that how wars will begin sometimes? I don't know how to heal this thing. It's like a bosom snake.

Yes, suicide can be used to inflict the pain or it can be used in an attempt to strangely fix or as an escape. It's the button.

You keep me drunk, that fixes me pretty damn good for a night like tonight. Writing brought me to life, could be only one, maybe two people know it, but it's what makes me smile, to show them I've life. I'm glad you're a part of it, and if I meet an eight year old who sleeps with a shot gun under him at night, I'll do my best to do what I can, so he'll have longevity--if I can help to buy a kid a day, then tack on eighty more. Anything for kids, they're the deserving every time.

Sleep good Jack
and remember any dreams you can
if there's something to drive or a particular scent
I'll try to remember mine.

[stilltrucking]

No I was not competing with you
I was competing for you
I just want to know my intentions
Like a Joni Mitichel song I was raised on robbery

[SadLuckDame]

I'm not really a writer, I'm just a conversationalist so I can confess all my sins, I'm just a mess and trying to make sense of it. And I really wish I could erase it, cause it's very embarrassing today. You lighten the weight and here you go...

Joni

[stilltrucking]

I been thinking about Buddy Willard and his attempts at poetry
Buddy Willard a character in the novel Bell Jar.
Sometimes I think of a line of an old corny country song when I think of Sylvia Plath "Don't take her she is all I got"

You are a poet dame
And I pose for you.

By Sad Luck Dame

To be Diverted

He's but kept her quite severely alone.
Look how angry she sleeps!
a grip on her dressing
offering the night a temper
during its abundant range of howls.

The snow plowed towards her
with long fingers of frozen white
trying to go the length of her neck
and chilling her slight frame.
Her nightmares reaching
due to weather.

He'd made a splendid suggestion--
why not he visit her on tip toes
a whiskey after-wards to enhance
such occasion.

He readily available
and they tied by fate's
humorous gesture;
it surely a preservative.

She'd been tenderly beside him
devoted in prayer, over articles
and silence.
There were none other,
none with claim on magic.

It an attractive situation
to be audience of
I'd persisted in watching
intimacy without the hassle
of true involvement.

He'd go to her softly
an irresistible urge
to speak quietly in her ear
as an Ariel--
he'd frighten her awake
clinging and taking such liberties
in his arms from the fear.

"I'd have her altogether this way
a pill on an eve that I'd like nothing more
than a lady's distraction."

Shrugging into his thick black coat
he entered the climate
the bottom edge of his jacket
trailed the snowy streets.

He'd nothing else to go to sleep on
but the familiarity of her manner.

[SadLuckDame]

This book I'm reading, the one I mentioned to mingo, The Wings of the Dove by Henry James has some spectacular bits I'll share with ya...

Wasn't it sufficiently the reason that the handsome girl was, with twenty other splendid qualities, the least bit brutal too, and didn't she suggest, as no one yet had ever done for her new friend, that there might be a wild beauty in that, and even a strange grace? Kate wasn't brutally brutal--which Milly had hitherto benightedly supposed the other way; she wasn't even aggressively so, but rather indifferently, defensively and, as might be said, by the habit of anticipation.

The way the cat would jump was always, in presence of anything that moved her, interesting to see; visibly enough, moreover, for a long time, it hadn't jumped anything like so far.

It's been a trip

[the mingo]