i saw slim shady in the grocery store

[Doreen Peri]

For those of you who like intros:
This poem was inspired by a party I went to where some of the guests were musicians who were a little stuck on themselves, apparently.

.........

i know your kind
you are so predictable
you come around and
do what you always do
just zip on in and out
like it was planned that way
and i know it was
you're like the great
houdini disappearing act

you don't say hi or bye
or shake anybody's hand
or even nod in one person's
direction and i'd like to know
why is that?
does it make you feel special?
oh and what did you have for lunch,
by the way, i'd really like to know
it smells like onions in here

you know what's not predictable?
i saw slim shady in the grocery store
yesterday. he was wearing a red cap
and buying a pack of gum and a
mr. goodbar

he's a big star
but even he smiled and said hi
and when i said, omg, wow, it's eminem,
slim shady himself, omg
and i was jaw dropped
and i said, omg, i can't believe it

hey slim! i said
and he said, hey lady
want a piece of gum?
and i said no thanks and
he smiled and winked at me
not even kidding
so totally unpredictable!

but you are so totally predictable
you waltz in here and waltz out
beg for applause
dole out autographs

slim, he didn't care about applause
he just wanted a piece of gum
and a candy bar
.
.
.
7.1.2010

[Doreen Peri]

The Real Slim Shady

[Eminem]
May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?
I repeat, will the real Slim Shady please stand up?
We're gonna have a problem here..

Y'all act like you never seen a white person before
Jaws all on the floor like Pam, like Tommy just burst in the door
and started whoopin her ass worse than before
they first were divorce, throwin her over furniture (Ahh!)
It's the return of the... "Ah, wait, no way, you're kidding,
he didn't just say what I think he did, did he?"
And Dr. Dre said... nothing you idiots!
Dr. Dre's dead, he's locked in my basement! (Ha-ha!)
Feminist women love Eminem
[*vocal turntable: chigga chigga chigga*]
"Slim Shady, I'm sick of him
Look at him, walkin around grabbin his you-know-what
Flippin the you-know-who," "Yeah, but he's so cute though!"
Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose
But no worse, than what's goin on in your parents' bedrooms
Sometimes, I wanna get on TV and just let loose, but can't
but it's cool for Tom Green to hump a dead moose
"My bum is on your lips, my bum is on your lips"
And if I'm lucky, you might just give it a little kiss
And that's the message that we deliver to little kids
And expect them not to know what a woman's clitoris is
Of course they gonna know what intercourse is
By the time they hit fourth grade
They got the Discovery Channel don't they?
"We ain't nothing but mammals.." Well, some of us cannibals
who cut other people open like cantaloupes [SLURP]
But if we can hump dead animals and antelopes
then there's no reason that a man and another man can't elope
[*EWWW!*] But if you feel like I feel, I got the antidote
Women wave your pantyhose, sing the chorus and it goes

[Chorus:
'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?

'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?

[Eminem]
Will Smith don't gotta cuss in his raps to sell his records;
well I do, so fuck him and fuck you too!
You think I give a damn about a Grammy?
Half of you critics can't even stomach me, let alone stand me
"But Slim, what if you win, wouldn't it be weird?"
Why? So you guys could just lie to get me here?
So you can, sit me here next to Britney Spears?
Shit, Christina Aguilera better switch me chairs
so I can sit next to Carson Daly and Fred Durst
and hear 'em argue over who she gave head to first
You little bitch, put me on blast on MTV
"Yeah, he's cute, but I think he's married to Kim, hee-hee!"
I should download her audio on MP3
and show the whole world how you gave Eminem VD [AHHH!]
I'm sick of you little girl and boy groups, all you do is annoy me
so I have been sent here to destroy you [bzzzt]
And there's a million of us just like me
who cuss like me; who just don't give a fuck like me
who dress like me; walk, talk and act like me
and just might be the next best thing but not quite me!

[Chorus]
'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?

[Eminem]
I'm like a head trip to listen to, cause I'm only givin you
things you joke about with your friends inside your living room
The only difference is I got the balls to say it
in front of y'all and I don't gotta be false or sugarcoated at all
I just get on the mic and spit it
and whether you like to admit it [*ERR*] I just shit it
better than ninety percent of you rappers out can
Then you wonder how can kids eat up these albums like valiums
It's funny; cause at the rate I'm goin when I'm thirty
I'll be the only person in the nursin home flirting
Pinchin nurses asses when I'm jackin off with Jergens
And I'm jerkin but this whole bag of Viagra isn't working
And every single person is a Slim Shady lurkin
He could be workin at Burger King, spittin on your onion rings
[*HACH*] Or in the parkin lot, circling
Screaming "I don't give a fuck!"
with his windows down and his system up
So, will the real Shady please stand up?
And put one of those fingers on each hand up?
And be proud to be outta your mind and outta control
and one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?

[Chorus 4X]
'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?

[Eminem]
Ha ha
Guess there's a Slim Shady in all of us
Fuck it, let's all stand up

[Doreen Peri]

I saw Lon Cheney Jr. walking with the Queen
I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's
His hair was perfect

[Steve Plonk]

What brand of coffee have you been drinking?
I think I could use a quart of that...

[Doreen Peri]

it's a shady brand, steve... pick yerself up some!

...........

ahhh the irony of it all!
slim heard his call, hit the stage,
became all the rage, rapped for the ladies,
the shady dude got crude, claimed to be the
biggest star, ego trippin' all the way to fame,
put it out on mTV, whole damn world knew his name,
he was word jivin' and filmin' it, gettin' it up on youtube,
claimin' he was the dude, namin' him self the king,
then whaddya know, after the show, turned out
he'll nevah burn out but he takes a rest,
he's just a gum chewer, a cap-on-backwards joe,
coolest guy on the block don't even listen to hisself
on the radio
all that ego's just a money show,
he don't flaunt no diamonds or bling,
he wears reeboks and jeans,
winks at a middle-aged chick,
gives her a nod, gotta love it, brotha!
i'm old enough to be his motha!
no no ego dude, he was like laid back, see?
he don't even flaunt his scratch,
he's a cool dude growin' a soul patch

[SadLuckDame]

wink, wink
a girl to a girl
just saying read this with smiling.
Sweet stuff, Doreen.

[Doreen Peri]

slim shady
ain't no ego king
not in real life
it was quite a treat
talk about sweeeeet!

[brian madden]

but you are so totally predictable
you waltz in here and waltz out
beg for applause
dole out autographs

slim, he didn't care about applause
he just wanted a piece of gum
and a candy bar

Loved it especially last part...

[Sue Littleton]

A rollicking, addictive read-again and smile poem. Thanks, Doreen! The circles I move in don't run to important STAR QUALITY folks, but I sure know where you're coming from ...

[stilltrucking]

Mighty fine poetry
even I can hear it
t hank you

[hester_prynne]

Love it love it love itttttt!!!!!!
H

[Doreen Peri]

Brian, Sue, Jack & Hest...

Thanks much! Glad you enjoyed it.

Today, I saw Meryl Streep in Home Depot. I thought she lived in L.A.! Here I am in Sterling, VA and there she was buying a toilet handle. I nudged my daughter and whispered, "Hey look, Alicia! It's Meryl Streep!"

She said, "Who?"


Ahh.. but this is another poem yet to write ...

[saw]

I flashed for a sec on Carly Simon's song, Your So Vain....same vein, though your poem is very original, as are your subsequent comment-poems......a good romp along pompous highway......gotta get me some of that slim shady
coffee beans....

[joel]

I've waltzed in here. And I've waltzed out.
It was predictable of me:
I don't handle transition well...to my detriment.
I beg for applause all the time
inside my head, when no one's looking;
it is predictable of me.
The grace of the waltz is the spinning
and sometimes I turn around again
and see the face I was missing.
Turning is repenting,
and I need to--
it is predictable for me.
A new state of mind,
a new state in life,
a new old disease,
old friend's now new wife
and none of it predictable...
but to sip a good word from a friendly voice:
love in this is rather predictable,
like a family's hoped-for embrace of a prodigal son.

[Doreen Peri]

JOEL!
How ARE you?

......

Preacher man steps off da pulpit
for a few minutes, stops by to
bless the congregation!
I drop my donation into
the collection plate, praise
God for another day, a past
connection, a new sunrise,
my irises the size of the moon!

......

Great to see you! Wassup with you? fill us in! I've missed you and your verse!