I know who I am

[stilltrucking]

such a mixture of cowardice and violence

[stilltrucking]

But a man who, when faced by danger, behaves like a mouse, is rightly called a coward. He harbors violence and hatred in his heart and would kill his enemy if he could without hurting himself. Gandhi?

http://www.mkgandhi.org/nonviolence/phil8.htm

[stilltrucking]

But a hell of a nice guy I am That's my shtick

[the mingo]

[short timer]

. I have never in my life threatened anyone. I have seriously considered murder more times than I care to remember. The last time in Laredo Texas in 1984 when the the big Mexican turned his back on me I was reaching in my pocket for a knife. Fortunately the only knife I carry is a little pocket knife with a one inch blade. I used to use it for cutting shrink wrapped pallets. As soon as started to reach into my pocket I realized it was not sharp enough or big enough to come up behind him and cut his throat. So I let it slide. By the Grace of G-d.

[SadLuckDame]

Divine.

[stilltrucking]

I liked that movie too.

I had a friend who looked forward to menopause. I think I know how she felt now. Old age is kind of a relief. I suppose I owe it all to falling testosterone levels in my blood. .

[SadLuckDame]

I'm a worried about aging. When I get fully within I'll has to find a way to be at ease.

I missed you today.

I gots to get to sleep,
sleep well, you.

[stilltrucking]

More about me, all about me, all in my head. You changed your artblog description yes.

Yes I am just being silly. I would never be able to kill anyone. My conscience would not let me. Funny how I never once thought about getting away with it. Only how to do it. Do it quick with out getting hurt myself. Funny you see those fist fights in the movies. Never crossed my mind to punch anyone, my thoughts all went to weapons. The guy in Houston back in 1982, I did not threaten him, but I did say, "Don't hit me again" He was a little fucker, I must have out weighed him by fifty pounds and had six inches on him in height. I knew I had to kill him if he made a move to hit me again.

My conscience would not let me, that's a joke. The only thing that stopped me from killing the guy in Astoria was the thought of spending my life in prison or worse. I never for a moment planned on getting away with it.

The worse thing about getting old is the pain. I have not had a pain free day this year. I was even thinking about acupuncture. I am in physical therapy now. My therapist is six months pregnant or more. She is very pregnant, a petite woman. Her skin is so cold I wonder is that normal. I have not felt nauseous around her which is unusual. Normally I feel nausea when I see a pregnant woman. A sense of loss comes over me for what I have missed by being childless. Such an empty feeling.
I think I am over that. I have reconciled myself to being a blip.
in fact I think it was a blessing

there is no such thing as a tragedy
it is all funny

Yes the forlorn rags of old age have brought me poverty and pain, but also some peace of mind.

I found some ghosts from my internet past
today
http://www.litkicks.com/MessageArchive?msg=81755

[stilltrucking]

I am not sure how to say it, it's this thing in me that I was born with. I know we are all born with it. It has survival value.

"Natural selection, as it has operated in human history, favors not only the clever but the murderous." Barbara Ehrenreich

I am lucky to have lived my life without murdering anyone and not murdering my self. What I call Grace. Uncle Sam was right to not want me, I would have made a terrible soldier.

I would not never fit in. I was too afraid of myself.

[SadLuckDame]

You fit to me just fine.

I don't know about it, when you talk about the dark stuff, I hear ya say it, but I never am able to put you in it. I think you'd be kind to a grasshopper, always.
And all the pretty darling nurses with your healthy in their hands.


Gonna go to sleep now Jack. I gots to be up early all week anyway, so I make a little time to curl in the sheets with a book. I'm still involved in Moby Dick, because I read it while reading another and then another. I never knew how ya juggled a couple books at once, I never used to until this vacation. Now I'm starved and I guess that is why. I don't wants to be frail when all riled up.

Anyway, the book is glorious! I'm so excited about the cannibal and his person beyond what defined him thus far. Thank you for suggesting this one to me.

[one of those jerks]

[SadLuckDame]

She was such a bitch to me too,
I guess I was to her. That was a trying moment in time, Jack.
My emotions got so livid. And I wasn't even supposed to have those emotions. What a train wreck then.

[stilltrucking]

Until I get a grip on my anger I will not be of any help to her. When she starts putting down diamond lil I feel torn, I don't want to go there, and when I try to say something on behalf of Lil she slashes out at me and I get pissed.

But I remind myself I came here to help her. But what good is it if I keep getting pissed at her.

Oh well, life goes on in hell as it does here.

[SadLuckDame]

You get pissed at me?
I'll miss you, too, Jack.
Gonna be a few days, but I'll take you with me.