Heart Cocktail

[sVentos cruSh]

A day without you wrenches heart from breast
Numb and stinging; wringing out it's essence
Into icy Smirnoff with coarse uncleansed
Sand paper hands still ripping at my chest
Still screaming for a love that won't depart
As it's swallowed to soothe my aching neck

I churn my warmth through acid organs next

Mow scars down every pathway to my heart
If you ever knew the damage I've caused
Sipping heart cocktails, bleeding my soul thin
Seeping sweat through skin as if it were gauze

You'd chase my bitter taste with other men!
Other flames you blaze would not re-ignite
Under wicks soaked in wine to light your night.



© Brady P. Passant
March 2005

[Doreen Peri]

Yowch! Painful stuff. Hey, but that's what love's about, right? I mean, when it's the real deal. You sure packed some imagery into this!

Last stanza's particularly well-written. I don't usually critique unless in a workshop or critique forum or when someone asks, but in this case, I have a request. Could I request something from you? Purty please? I'd like to see this poem without the "ing" words.

Like this -

I sip heart cocktails, bleed my soul thin –
I seep sweat through skin as if it were gauze

This is a good piece. So good, I think it could be a great piece. I think losing the "ings" would make it much stronger. Just an idea.
-----------------

Oh and..... Welcome to the Studio!

Glad to see you made it over. Seems you have a fan who thought you'd like it here. I hope she's right! We'll enjoy reading you.

[sVentos cruSh]

Thanks for the critique. I don't know if you noticed but this is also an acrostic as well as a sonnet (thus, I had to limit myself as far as words were concerned) you are probably right about the 'ing' words though Thanks again for the critique and the kind introduction.

[Doreen Peri]

Nope. I didn't notice the acrostic until you bolded the first letters. Nice job!

I used to write acrostics quite often. It's a fun format. You did it well! Give that Anissa gal a call, would ya? Geesh.

(it's not a sonnet, though )

Keep posting! We'll keep reading.

Glad you found us.

If you like spontaneous writing, we do Word Jams from time to time. You'll get a notification in your email. We do them here and on another site. We have one coming up this Friday, April 1st - A fool's Jam.

We did a couple at AC before, too. I'd like to do more over there. I need to email Joe about it.

[sVentos cruSh]

Curious;

"(it's not a sonnet, though;))"

How do you figure? I know that its layout is a little different than the typical:
A
B
B
A

A
B
B
A

C
D
C
D

E
E

but that is just to blend together the acrostic message. I am still new to poetry, so I would appreciate it a great deal if you would fill me in on what exactly it is that this poem is missing as far as sonnets are concerned.

[mindbum]

if the dude says it's a sonnet it is. right?
though rhyming next and neck... well it's weird, wrong and kinda cool.

acrostic sonnetteeeering must be hard.

but i agree on all the inging. i could ing you to sleep.
passivity is the problem. active verbs. that's where the grass greens.

[Doreen Peri]

Well, for someone who's new to poetry, you do very well! Clearly you have some innate talent!

I'm no expert, but I do love to write them. I usually write the English/Shakespearean rhyme scheme. The sonnet form you chose seems close to the Italian/Petrarchian style. I am only basing this on a lesson my friend Nan Ness gave on another website some years back. We had a workshop in sonnets. She's a poetry teacher in Massachussetts. I copied the text she wrote from the lesson in my files and refer to it sometimes. I'll paste it here so you can read it. She's much more of an expert than me.

Why don't I think it's a sonnet? Mostly because it's not iambic pentemeter. The beats are off. Also, if you're going to write a sonnet, why change the layout of the lines? What's wrong with the formula for the layout? I call any type of formal, structured poetry "puzzle poetry." To me, that's the trick, to be able to solve the puzzle and have it flow and not sound forced.

As mindbum pointed out, some of your rhymes aren't perfect rhymes, but what the heck? We're all just trying to have fun, right? Fun with words! That's the name of the poetry game!

But since you asked why I said that, here's Nan's sonnet lesson -

The Little Song is the derivation of the word sonnet. I find sonnets it to be the most fun format to work with, and by far my favorite. Sonnets originated in Italy, progressing further with the unsurpassed influence of the English, more specifically that of Shakespeare.

Although the mode of the twentieth century has been to deviate from standard formats, my philosophy remains pretty old-fashioned, I guess. I adamantly believe that you can't rightly break the rules unless you know what they are... Furthermore, breaking the rules effectively necessitates a thorough understanding of them. Ergo - I'm teaching you the the rules. I also follow them myself, by the way. I don't consider myself proficient enough to break them yet. (perhaps some day soon).

All righty - Let's start with meter - the easy part.... A sonnet, properly written, is done in iambic pentameter. That means that every line will consist of five iambic feet. Each line of your poem will follow this rhythm....

da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM
Your theme is of ULTIMATE importance in a sonnet. You must present a conflict of sorts in your opening stanzas and a resolution in your closing ones. Think carefully of what you want to write about and how you want to develop your work before you begin writing.

The use of imagery is another important consideration. A sonnet is a very compact piece, and as such is a great format for extended metaphors. Try to incorporate some simile, metaphor, or other types of imagery into your work. Check back to my pantoum thread for more specifics on that.

Now then - Let's get on to the format. Guess what - You've got a choice here. You can opt for any one of the following....

The original Italian/Petrarchan style sonnet. This format consists of an octet followed by a sestet. The conflict is presented in the octet and resolved in the sestet. This format allows you less conflict, but more "resolution" time, if you should need it.... The format is:
a-b-b-a-a-b-b-a/c-d-e-c-d-e

The most popular English/Shakespearean sonnet. In this format the conflict is presented within three quatrains of verse, and resolved in a final couplet. The Shakespearean format is...
a-b-a-b/c-d-c-d/e-f-e-f/g-g

The final, and less known format is Spenserian. Actually, I've written several sonnets, but I haven't yet done one in the Spenserian mode. That'll be my plan on this one. (Hey - this workshop is making me write!!.. This format is more similar to Shakespearean, as it incorporates three quatrains and a closing couplet. In either format, you'll need to develop your conflict in the quatrains and resolve it in the couplet. The Spenserian (you'll see some pantoum similarities too) format is...
a-b-a-b/b-c-b-c/c-d-c-d/e-e

Whew! Well, that's the text from Nan's sonnet lesson.

After reading this, do you think this piece of yours is a sonnet?

Better question is, does it really matter?

It's a good piece. *shrug* - No, the lines are not all iambic pentameter. Some are. But not all. No, the rhyme scheme uses imperfect rhymes in some places. This, to me, is why it isn't truly a sonnet. But so what?

I wasn't trying to be critical, really.... I was only letting you know that I didn't think this piece is really a sonnet.

But hell, people have all kinds of definitions for poetry formats. The way we were taught haiku has been totally altered by those who are calling a myriad of formats haiku, simply because they are short, visual snapshots.

Anyway, thanks for posting this here. I enjoyed reading it, as painful as the love pangs were......

[sVentos cruSh]

It's interesting (the lesson on Sonnets) but I was somewhat disappointed to see that she only listed three kinds of sonnets. I have learned in my Creative Writing class about a lot of sonnet types. These three are included, along with the French form (which has--I think--twelve syllables per line; then there is the Kyrielle Sonnet (which is a sonnet blended with a Kyrielle--obviously) these have eight syllables per line and certain lines in the poem are repeated (which is really hard to do, twice I have tried this form--once when I wrote 'Psyche's Chestnut Halides' and once when I wrote 'Chips from Hade's Folly Grin'--and both times, I failed miserably ) In my opinion, these are the toughest sonnets to write! Then, there is the common cop-out or lazy man's sonnet--The Blank Verse.

[Doreen Peri]

Hi again, Brady....

I'm not familiar with those forms. I knew there were more forms of sonnets than the ones Nan taught in this lesson, but I never studied them.

I haven't been to any school other than the school of hard knocks for many years.

Thanks for naming the other forms of sonnet .... Now I need to look them up and learn about them. I love the challenge of structured verse. I agree with you about Blank Verse.... I am familiar with that form and I don't like it at all. But it does still use iambic pentameter which can be challenging.

I think of formal structured verse like I think of classical music exercises. I think you can play jazz better after you study and rehearse the classics. I usually write free verse, but sometimes write structured verse, too, just as a practice mechanism, mostly. You've inspired me. You're the second person who has come to the boards lately and posted your take on a sonnet. Now, I feel inspired to write a couple myself!

Thanks again for sharing your work and your knowledge here.

[hester_prynne]

Ahhh Brady....this is a champion of a poem if you ask ol me. The passion, the expression, the pain of love, shout it from the rooftops! The acrid, desperate flavor of love ending.
The courage to show you feel it.
Wake up and show yere love people! feel it man! givit to me, all of it, wail it! Show me your blazing red love!
Fall to your knees......
and howl!

Bravo Brady!...
I'll be damseled!

H

[WIREMAN]

hey evrybody this is one hell of a "Heart Coctail"...Brady your poetry is wonderful...as p2p says over at AC...keep em coming.

[sVentos cruSh]

Okay, good. Now that this argument seems settled, could we not talk about it anymore, please? Or at least not on this page, I'd personally rather read insults directed towards me on this post than read this old grudge match.

[hester_prynne]

Yes, apologies to Brady for all this on his post... and thanks again Mark, for letting us all know, (surprize surprize!) about your new opinion here! It helps to let your friends know about these things, otherwise they may just stick up for you when you don't want them to anymore!

I love this site! Doreen, you rock Dearie. Your ability to go with the flows when they are confusing like this is brilliant.

H

[Doreen Peri]

Brady - Sincere apologies that your thread got hijacked.

Not a good way to welcome a new member.

I should have started a separate thread to talk about it.

Thanks for sharing your poetry.

I need to read the others you've posted.

I will split the posts which don't belong on this thread into another thread.

-d

[WIREMAN]

That's why she's a Queen! that was supposed to follow hest's and sorry "truly" Brady.....it's part of S8ducation