and that's why

[Doreen Peri]

yeah, ok, you can sit in the darkened room
listen to 101.1, examining notes chords lyrics,
delving into your new found spirit, trying to find the light
switch, reach for a pen and paper to write
lines yearning after a distant touch
with a disappearing bride lost behind walls,
bars, prisons - twist it into some kind of plan for
tomorrow, which, trust me, is here -

and you can come out,
cook steaks, chicken, charcoal turmoil erased
off the edge of a ridiculous commuter route,
because it doesn't take a genius to know
that you don't get to annapolis from richmond
via oklahoma, and all the while

you can reach out for my child, leaping into
your arms and we can cry, laugh, dance, sing,
name squirrels in the backyard like pets -
pet rotweillers ready to pounce,
show reflections off the wink of an eye

and i'm sure you can fix my missing trim,
listen to life in the tune of an electronic guitar
mixed within a net and web of multimedia
nine inch nails blended with a solid steak,
hug my son, fused,
one head taller,
light the fire on top of
a charcoal blast from hell
on friday the thirteenth....

but

you are out and let me tell you
at first, what happens is this,
there's usually joking, laughter -
but later comes the passion, the longing
and i'm not in the habit of sharing my heart with
a distant stranger which you're not because
all of this has lasted at least fifteen years
going on a million and so,
let's just talk about the truth here
which is people are people yielding from one
plane to the next, shackled, handcuffed and the
only thing they can do is scream and nod
because guards don't have the time to
find the key to the cuffs and release them
if they want to save their own lives

and the truth is,

later after the joking, there's always
the depth of confusion drowning in undertow,
pulling you in and laughter and puns are dismissed
and soon you skip past fly by the first stage but
when i saw you, peaking out from behind the door
and the curtain coming up and there you were
ready to make an entrance, i realized it
had nothing to do with whether you wear pants
or a skirt or lovely white running shoes or whether
your hair was cropped or spiked or flowing or
whether you write poetry or jot down notes on
napkins, smuggle cigarettes in out of fashion,
concealed -- no, that wasn't it.

what matters is

i don't want the laughter to go away,
i don't want the jokes to stop
and watching my baby leap into your arms
and six-foot tall blood bleeding tears through
eyes which have been pulled out
by two fathers, i realized that

no matter what

i felt about disrobing,
no matter what i felt about the difference
i couldn't ever eat garbage strewn from
paper bags and you are my bright light
coming home

my sister

and if i loved you like that,
it would ruin it.
.
.

(written 15 years ago in 2000)

[Doreen Peri]

Thanks.. I don't know if I'll ever edit it. It's all over the place. Seems like too much work. Probably would be better to either write it as a novel so it's a LOT longer to tell the whole story, or cut out at least 2/3 of it to make it a poem. True story, though. That's how they transported her, from richmond then to oklahoma and then to annapolis.... crazy shit. Ahh well... She's OUT! No more shackles. Thx for reading.

[Doreen Peri]

go pome. it's more economical.

My opinion. Of course.

OK, but this piece is 15 years old and I'm not going to revisit it to edit it. It is what it is. If I wrote the story, nobody would believe it anyway. And I DO appreciate you reading and your feedback. I just don't have time to go backwards to revise ancient history poems since there are so many new ones to write. I might try reading this at the next poetry reading I go to. From looking at it, I'd say it's no more than 3 minutes long which should work out fine. That's usually my 2nd test. Posting online is my first test to see how a piece goes over. Reading it in public is my 2nd test.

My dad used to say this about some performance arts (stage shows, etc) ... "The audience was noticeably moved. They all got up and left." .... Hahaha.. Dad was a comic. Funny guy.

If that happens when I try it in pubic, if I can't hold the audience's attention, then I'll know for certain it's for the trash bin.

Thanks again, Ton, for your feedback!

[saw]

it reads to me with good pace and continuity, the kind that comes from those last night streams of thoughts that burst on the page like they were breaking out of jail....yes, by all means give the live audience test...you are a good reader to begin with, so this should fly

[Doreen Peri]

Steve... thanks! I'll try it at the next reading I do.

Ton ... My decision not to revisit poems after I wrote them has absolutely NOTHING to do with being stubborn and aging. I've ALWAYS written this way and I've been writing since I was a teenager. I'm a spontaneous writer. I edit AS I write. I never revisit my poems for editing until right before I perform them or record them and even then, I spend maybe 10-30 minutes tops doing an edit focused on spoken word, how it sounds, how long it takes to read (timing), and that's it. Sorry I've lately been posting posts about aging which led to you making a comment about "peeps get really stubborn as they age." WTF? Hey, I clicked your profile. I'm only a few years older than you. Not many. We have different writing styles and writing processes. If I worked on the same poem for 30 fricking years, I'd give up writing entirely. You have your style, I have mine. Mine is to write spontaneously in the moment. I've edited poems for readings and recordings and after 30 minutes of editing, I've taken the life right out of the damn thing. I'm totally uninterested in that type of process. If I wanted to do that, I'd go back to school and have some stuck-up know-it-all academic professor on my ass trying to teach me to edit edit edit edit. Not me. Once I'm finished writing a poem, I'm done with it. Then I move on and write another one and I've been using this writing process since I was 15 years old. It works for me and I'm fine with it. Disagree all you want. PS - It has nothing to do with my "chops." My chops have improved through the years using my process and believe it or not, most people quite enjoy my performances, it's seemed to me. They applaud and everything. I'm happy with my "chops". I'm a professional performance poet.

[Doreen Peri]

Why did you post a poem from 15 years ago?

Why not?

[68degrees]

Hence, the title

Makes perfect sense.

68degrees

[columbus]

I honestly think it succeeds very nicely in being itself (and think will go over big time at a reading).

[Doreen Peri]

Thnx, 68 and columbus.

One thing I hate about the internet is the arguing that often happens. I don't tolerate confrontation well. My anxiety hits the roof.

But, yanno what? I've always been like this. It has nothing to do with aging.

Also, I don't dig ageism.

Anxiety is a health condition I've had since I was a little girl. It's just me. Nothing I can do about it but BREATHE!

I was thinking about my girlfriend when I posted this so many years after I wrote it. If I had the choice, I'd probably choose to be gay and would have fallen in love with her. But I don't have that choice.

I'm so totally heterosexual, it's obvious I was born this way. I LOVE men!

[68degrees]

"One thing I hate about the internet is the arguing that often happens."

I agree. I stepped into a thread "over there" I had no business being in on. Am giving up confrontation for Lent. Wait, I'm late on that Okay, New's Year's resolution…oops.

68degrees

[Doreen Peri]

I did the same thing. I KEEP doing the same thing. I step into argumentative threads and get involved where it's not my business to get involved. Why do I do this? It's STUPID. It just escalates my anxiety to get involved. I've tried to give up confrontation on the net for years, yet still, it happens and when I'm personally confronted in a negative manner, I've often said to myself, "I'm just not going to reply at all." But then I do it anyway. Human defense mechanism, I guess. It's ridiculous. Sometimes it sucks being human. But I can't use that an excuse. I need to learn to STFU.

Uh oh.. I'm running late. I have an appointment. I have to get ready. Thanks for the chat.