If you go first...

[sooZen]

one never knows who will go first
if you die before me, will I pine away?
will life be unbearable without you?
(sometimes, it seems unbearable with you)

if you go first...I think about that
maybe, more often than I should
wondering what it would be like
to not have your presence, your touch
to hear your laughter, your rants
to see you in morning light
in the evening glow

if you go first...your hair is white
you walk more slowly, wrinkles
tell of smiles and frowns past
still handsome, maybe more so
than the man of my youth
yet...if you go first, will I go on?

if you go first...I think...I will
carry on, live with other women
never another man (too much work)
I will think of you daily, maybe
if you go first, but who knows?
I am always faster than you

Loving you makes me miss you
funny how that works
if you go first...

[Arcadia]

your poem made me think in Jaime Roos beautiful song "Si me voy antes que vos" (If I go first). I have to think strategies every time I listen to it in public for not to cry.

I copy the lyrics:

A
Si me voy antes que vos
A
si te dejo en estas tierras
F#m A
no te asustes de la noche
A
que en la noche vivo yo.

A
Si me voy antes que vos
A
si es así que está dispuesto
F#m A
quiero que tus noticias
A
hablen del aire y del sol.

Bm
Quiero que siempre recuerdes
Bm
lo que dijimos un día
Bm
que cada vez que te ríes
A
río contigo mi amor.

E A
Y no te olvides de algo
E A
que se adivina en la vida
A
y es que la vida misma
A
es un milagro de amor.

A
Si me voy antes que vos
A
y visito tu silencio
F#m A
no es para que estés triste
A
ni para ver tu dolor.

Bm
Quiero decirte mi amor
Bm
en estas torpes palabras
Bm
que cada vez que llores
A
lo sabrá mi corazón.

E A
Y no nos encontraremos
E A
pues siempre estuve a tu lado
A
hacia dónde y hasta cuándo
A
esas son cosas de Dios.

E A
Y no nos encontraremos
E A
pues siempre estuve a tu lado
A
siempre aunque me vaya antes
A
es un milagro de amor.

[Trevor]

Hi Soozen,

I liked the poem and thought for the most part the idea was well told, though I think some of the descriptions are a bit bland (though I realize the poem is more "thought" based than descriptive) and some of the wording could be tightened. Also the ellipses did nothing for me and can't help but wonder if line breaks or even just commas in some spots, might be more effective. Here are a few thoughts on each stanza.

"one never knows who will go first
if you die before me, will I pine away?
will life be unbearable without you?
(sometimes, it seems unbearable with you)"

Decent solid opening, good setup for the rest of the poem.

"if you go first...I think about that
maybe, more often than I should"

Consider a line break or just removing the ellipsis then adding a period and making it a complete idea on its own followed by the seperate idea of you pondering that thought. Also consider dropping the "maybe" and make it more of a statement:

"if you go first.
I think about that
more often than I should"

"wondering what it would be like
to not have your presence, your touch
to hear your laughter, your rants
to see you in morning light
in the evening glow "

Consider changing "to not have" into something more stable and less metrically stressful, such as "without". Also, not sure of the intent of then going into "to hear your laughter"...almost like you are saying to not have your presence but to have your laughter when I get the impression that it is without all of these things, your use of the negative "to not have" is cancelled out by use of "to hear" in the next line....not trying to rewrite but just to give an example.

"wondering what it would be like
without your presence, your touch
your laughter, your rants
never to see you in morning light
or in the evening glow"

"if you go first...your hair is white"

Again, just another idea, consider a period instead of ellipsis and make it stand alone. May also add the thought of, is this a statement, as in he most likely will go first or is it just worrisome thought.

"you walk more slowly, wrinkles
tell of smiles and frowns past
still handsome, maybe more so
than the man of my youth
yet...if you go first, will I go on?"

I really like this section..save for the ellipsis..lol...(notice I love to use them as well) but one suggestion I have is...I get the impression that "more slowly" is a reference to time and I think "slower" is more frugal, tightening up the word count and smoothening the stresses. Twas just an idea, still liked this section nonetheless.

"if you go first...I think...I will"

Again my thoughts on this would be to add periods and omit ellipses.

"if you go first. I think. I will."

Perhaps this may induce more thought out of the reader allowing them to wonder...are you thinking about that he will in fact go first or about what you what you would do if he does.

"carry on, live with other women
never another man (too much work)
I will think of you daily, maybe
if you go first, but who knows?
I am always faster than you "

I like this section as well. Though I think if you chop off "(too much work)" and allow the reader to form their own thoughts about this such as, too much work, or the mourning process, etc.

"Loving you makes me miss you
funny how that works
if you go first..."

I like how you ended this, save again for the ellipsis. I get the impression that it was actually the ending that was the inspiration for the rest of the poem and not vice versa.

Anyways, enjoyed the read, thanks for sharing,

Trev

[sooZen]

Arcadia...a beautiful song although I wish my Spanish was more fluent as a few lines stumped me but I got the general idea of the song and it is way more beautiful than my little poem. Thanks for posting it.

Trevor...hi, nice to meet you and thank you for taking the time and effort to read and comment on my poetry.

I have to agree with you on most of your assessments although I will never publish or post this poem any other place but here (I don't even save most of my writings) as I have no illusions of being a writer of poetry or prose.

What I write mainly is a stream of consciousness and not edited (except for spelling) or 'tightened up' in any shape or form as I am done with it as soon as it comes out. This applies to most of my literary output, except for haiku where I like to hone the craft and put much consideration into those few lines. Not that I am any great haijin but I appreciate that form and have studied it in as great a detail as I possibly can.

Sorry for the ramble...the ellipsis...ah yes, those that know me from this and other lit sites, know that is kinda' my thing. I 'connect the dots'...although I realize that it is not used appropriately, I am dotty. Hah!

Thank you again for taking the time to give me your thoughts.

SooZen

[stilltrucking]

when I was a kid I used to pray that I would die before my siblings, I don't know how but I became aware of mourning at a tender age. Might be a factor of growing up during world war 2.
I think we all do, hamsters and pets and things like that. But for some morbid reason it took a strong hold on me. Resistence to change.

no illusions of being a writer of poetry or prose.

I don't know if you have ever heard of Billy Joe Shaver, his music been on my mind a lot latey, he was born in 1939, his hair gone completely white. One night in Nashville he looked down on me from the stage and just out of the blue stopped his song and looked me in the eye and said "i am serving the lord, what are you doing" and then like nothing happened he went back into the song.

no illusions SooZen, like the Hemngway of west texas said
"my dearest friends are (total/perfect?) strangers, they wish me freedom and self destruction" U and C publish to my heart, I opened a lot of doors I been trying to hide behind. I bet I will beat you both to the party one the other shore. Tt just seems more natural to me. Time and chance have stacked the cards in my favor here.. Going to have myself creamated and mixed with some nice tea. I will have a friend send u some so you all can have a cup or toke on me.

just call me the "illusionated man"

nice work see what you made me do
another friggin ramble

[mousey1]

Beautiful, rich with realistic sentiment.

I've been thinking too much about death of loved ones lately.
Maybe one does that when they start feeling a little gray around the edges.
Whatever, it's unproductive and maudlin. I will stop it!

Good read BB.

And anything that makes still ramble is a good thing.....
tho it takes but the touch of a feather to push him into it...and then of course I.....

[Arcadia]

buddhabitch: your poem is beautiful and also the Jaime Roos song.
An artesanal translation:


If I go first
if I leave you in these lands
don´t be afraid of the night
because in the night I live.

If I go first
if it is this way
I want that your news
talk about the the air and the sun.

I want that you remember
what we said that day
that every time you laugh
I laugh with you, my love.

And don´t forget something
that is guessed in life:
that life itself
is a miracle of love.

If I go first
and I visit your silence
it isn´t with the purpose that you be sad
or to see your pain.

I want to tell you my love
in these clumsy words
that every time you cry
my heart will know it.

And we will not meet each other
because all the time I was by your side
towards where or until when
these are God´s things.

And we will not meet each other
because all the time I was by your side
always, even though I go first
it is a miracle of love.