Survival

[fuchsiafestival!]

moon dangles above thick smoke
beneath wistful clouds

horizon weeping at the grass with its
frosty crest. i walk past a jetty sea searching
for my reflection long gone.

swallows examining telephone wires
is my only chance at survival.

[Wayne R Baker]

A short but very provocative piece. The images are solid. I've been missing your creativity Sammi.

[saw]

hints at past lives, tho could be contemporary......in any case the economy of words works really well

[revolutionR]

pretty cool, reminds me of some poetry I read years ago, by somebody I knew.

[fuchsiafestival!]

Thank you guys. I'm not sure what I was aiming for at this.

[fuchsiafestival!]

Welcome. But I gotta say this is more than a tad on the cliché side.

Moon pomes are like in the zillions. So you better bring something new and exciting to the arena or the piece is just gonna be something that's already been done a lot better...

thick smoke
beneath wistful clouds >>> ummmm. IMO this weak, even in Hallmark terms.

horizon weeping at the grass >>> kinda tears from heaven, yea? Or just rain?

Et cetera.

OK. Parts I believe have potential...

searching
for my reflection long gone.

But with a different line break:

searching for my reflection
long gone.

swallows examining telephone wires

Maybe something a bit different, for example:
swallows listening on telephone wires

Just saying... I'd like to read something a little more original and creative.
This is the type of piece an entry level poet can write in about 3 minutes.
I just tend to expect a tad more when folks post their stuff for comment.

And it's always good decorum to comment on other pomes.

My opinion. Of course.

~Ton

Thanks. I'll take your advice into consideration. I struggled with this to be honest and didn't have inspiration.

I agree that this isn't one of my better pieces, and maybe I shouldn't write when I'm not inspired.

I appreciate the honest feedback.

[fuchsiafestival!]

I did a version 2, because you're right that some parts could be expanded upon. A few folks have said that version 2 is more in depth and comes across as more personal.

boughs dangle below smog
whittled out of an ivory atmosphere
skewed across the earth
as muffled time lines

i examine a jetty sea
for items tossed into waves -
parchment and ancient water bottles
used by jaded stragglers

swallows on telephone wires
listen for the sound of unfolding years
that signify my only chance
at survival.

Again thanks for the feedback. If you still have suggestions or there's something that could be improved upon, feel free to tell me.