Late, Memorial Day

[mnaz]

I have no honor.
I cannot measure up to the memorial,
the anguished sum, impenetrable stone,
draped with shattered energy...
namesake spirits in ragged orbit.

No resting place.

I have no courage.
I cannot measure up to endemic plague,
darkness toil, exhausted, vile loop,
spirits ripped asunder, homeless...
eternal poverty of right and wrong.

Circular mission.

I have no faith.
I cannot measure up to black conviction,
leveraged soul, cancer of heaven,
decried in every lost translation...
cycles of blindness, for strength.

No peace.

[Zlatko Waterman]

" . . . namesake spirits in ragged orbit . . ."

is a strong line with an original ring to it, mnaz.

Well done.


--Z

[Trevor]

Hi Mnaz,

Just a couple quick thoughts about the poem:

Perhaps consider changing it from the first person, for example:

"No honor.
can measure up to the memorial,
the anguished sum, impenetrable stone,
draped with shattered energy...
namesake spirits in ragged orbit. "

But then again, the reader might not interpret it as a comparative poem between you and the fallen...anyways, just a suggestion.

And perhaps chopping out the "..." (can never remember the name of those for some reason though I've been told it about a thousand times). They seem to kind of work in this first stanza, but then I think they are lost in the rest of the poem.

I really liked the opening of the poem and the idea presented. Though not filled with a lot of descriptions, I found for me personally, they conjured up a lot of imagery.

"I have no courage.
I cannot measure up to endemic plague,
darkness toil, exhausted, vile loop,
spirits ripped asunder, homeless...
eternal poverty of right and wrong. "

A decent section though not as strong as the opening....didn't really conjure up any mental imagery or deep though...The repetitive use of "spirits" in this and the first stanza was noticeable for me.

"I have no faith.
I cannot measure up to black conviction,
leveraged soul, cancer of heaven,
decried in every lost translation...
cycles of blindness, for strength. "

I liked the way you ended it, wasn't high impact but gets your point across well. I have to say though, "cancer of heaven" didn't seem to fit in my opinion....though I liked "leveraged soul".

Also, perhaps consider losing the lines between each stanza, "No peace", "Circular mission" and "No resting place"...seemed kind of unecessary...personally I think you should let each section speak for themselves without the exposition.

Anyways, good read, I enjoyed the poem, thanks.

[mnaz]

Hi Trevor....

Thanks much for your thoughts.... I agree that this one still needs work.

Several ideas vying for attention in this one.... me vs. the institution and religion of war.... a hopeless mismatch....

and the inadequacy of the monument itself.... a cold slab of stone, which is all the government can offer after chewing up flesh and bone in a war which serves its own self-interest, and which may well have been unnecessary, but which is worshiped just the same, or at least not questioned by the people, since war is a religion among many, and accepted as a periodic necessity among many others.... The spirits of those who had their life ripped violently from them in a split second stagger toward the memorial, but the memorial will not let them in..... that sort of thing....

Thanks for your comments. I appreciate it.