Hate Love and all that shit.PC- how should I feel?

[Axanderdeath]

A bad head ach in the morning and I wake up not remembering the last night that her and I would spent together. I told her I blacked out and did not remember going to bed the night before. She told me she had put me to bed. She told me that I wanted to go to an after hours bar with her friends and she had to stop me, and I am glad she did. But then she said and “that is why you can’t hang out with my friends.” This got me a little angry.

-like your friends are so fucking cool and smart, they act like dicks all the time too.

-Not like you though Geoff. But just forget about it I have to leave for Spain tomorrow.—She got the ticket two months ago because “we’d probably be broken up by the spring” as she put it, and if we were not her plan was to break us up.

-have to go to Spain… look if you didn’t want me to act foolish then you should not of had a hard liquor party with your fucking friends and me the night before you go. I even told you I didn’t want to drink hard liquor and you said, “No beer!” Why did you have to have a fucking party anyway on our last night together?

-I’ll miss my friends when I’m gone.

-well, what about us?

-you were there.

-err…

I made a cup of coffee’ in the espresso machine. We were in her mothers house, which was away in Italy and Sylvia live with. She was leaving a 3 in the afternoon it was around 10 am.

We had sex once that afternoon. Then her father came to drive her to the country, and I slipped out the back door. I loved her even though I hated her and wanted her to stay even though that whole day I just wanted to end so that I could just start to deal with it.

I kissed her goodbye and went out the back, and I started up the street towards one of my favourite drinking parks and cracked open some beer and watched people walking around with their dogs. Happy little hyper active kids yelling and pointing at people and trees and what ever they thought was interesting or at least point worthy. I sat up in one hill and read some of a book about Ewen Macgregor and his friend that bike around the world on bmw motor bikes. Sylvia had given me the book for Christmas. I was a little disappointed by it but tried to read it and it is really not a bad story.

A couple weeks before Sylvia and I were in a fight and I slammed my door shut and then punched it, and that busted it open. It was busted so you could see right in to the hall with the door closed. I got kicked out of my apartment for that. I have no place to go now and I dropped my stuff off at the homeless shelter. I am kind of drunk now and very horny. It is a hot day and that does not help things, tight clothing and girls in Montreal dress sexy and I am walking around with no girl friend for release. I go to star wars revenge of the sith for a second time, and picking up some coke first. Thee coke makes me feel sick. It is ketching in the back of my nose. I have to leave the movie. I am hacking and spiting like when we had to put down my dog and he gasped for air and really looked horrible. I sat in a bar and had a beer.

I stayed up all night with no where to go and not much to do. Today is Monday though and I have to go to work, and Sylvia has still not sent me an email to let me know how her flight went. She does not think too much about that shit, and I hate her for that. But who am I to talk? Just a bum with no one who loves me…

[jimboloco]

Dear diary,

I drink too much. It upsets me.

I should like meditate and smoke some pot.

Calm down.


Get quiet inside.

Stay there, revisit regularly.

108 bows.



Montreal Zen Center
824 Park Stanley
MONTRÉAL, Québec H2C 1A2
Canada
Tel 1: (+1-514) 388-4518
E-mail: zenlow@aei.ca
HREF="http://www.aei.ca/~zenlow/">Internet site
Denomination: Japanese Soto/Rinzai
Lineage: Philip Kapleau
Teacher: Albert Low


Association Dojo Zen de Montréal
982 Gilford East
MONTRÉAL, Québec H2J 1P4
Canada
Contact: Michel Menard
Tel. 1: (+1-514) 523-1534
Denomination: Japanese Soto School
Lineage: Taisen Deshimaru
Associated to: A.Z.I

[Axanderdeath]

Dear diary,

I drink too much. It upsets me.

I should like meditate and smoke some pot.

Calm down.


Get quiet inside.

Stay there, revisit regularly.

108 bows.



Montreal Zen Center
824 Park Stanley
MONTRÉAL, Québec H2C 1A2
Canada
Tel 1: (+1-514) 388-4518
E-mail: zenlow@aei.ca
HREF="http://www.aei.ca/~zenlow/">Internet site
Denomination: Japanese Soto/Rinzai
Lineage: Philip Kapleau
Teacher: Albert Low


Association Dojo Zen de Montréal
982 Gilford East
MONTRÉAL, Québec H2J 1P4
Canada
Contact: Michel Menard
Tel. 1: (+1-514) 523-1534
Denomination: Japanese Soto School
Lineage: Taisen Deshimaru
Associated to: A.Z.I

Thabks for responding, but I don't need help there. I not in to the whole budda thingf. And weed makes me parinoid.

[stilltrucking]

Geoff do you remember modern ancient, he would be about the same age as you are now. If he has not used that shotgun in his story to blow his brains out. I remember he asked for a PC. Someone told him to "loose the shot gun" Like they were doing suicide prevention. I don't know if this will mean much to you. I am confused a little by the PC thing, I am not one to do a PC slopppy careless writer that I am. But I think the story reads well, technically I think it is pretty good. But for content, I find it whinney, or is winey. Is it a true story or is it a movie a peice of fiction. What is the story behind the story. All of your stories about women seem to have the same tone. And I should know being the worlds foremost expert on the fair sex. Jimboloco told me to stop riding my brakes, he is right, they were smoking bad I was trying so hard to be a nice guy. But you gave a little inspiration this morning, you and the white witch glynda, thanks,
it was a good read, I but I can not relate to the voice of the protagonist. But I am looking at it from forty years away. My passions are not those of a young man. So take this with a big grain of salt.

[jimboloco]

Thabks for responding, but I don't need help there. I not in to the whole budda thingf. And weed makes me parinoid.

boing bloing

ok then how about a statement of purpose, or i mean, like what are you doing about all of this, are you content, is thisseen as fuel for your writing, i guess that pot used to make me paranoid, but usually alcohol has the deleterious effect, the humbling hangover, and if you use buddha or throwing a frisbee in the park it's all the same, bra! but you are young and resilient, so hey, a wasted youth is not wasted, what i can say from personal experience, and really cool that you are linked up here because we dig your journal entries, hey, gotta stay in touch with the younger generation, just the same, some concern is felt here that the death man axander is staying ok whilst living in this dream world.
http://www.orr.justblow.us/joint

I stayed up all night with no where to go and not much to do. Today is Monday though and I have to go to work, and Sylvia has still not sent me an email to let me know how her flight went. She does not think too much about that shit, and I hate her for that. But who am I to talk? Just a bum with no one who loves me…

i love you, man!just a bum, tho, like youse, so guess it don't count, right ? does a bum count for anything?

[stilltrucking]

Jimbo
Geoff has one thing going for himself, and that is his writting. I suppose I should pay more attention to the details of his story. Is he asking us how he should feel or is he asking us what we think of the story.

He is very serious about his writting.

Geoff
How do I think you should feel Geoff, is that what you really want to know? Sure I would be happy to tell you how you should feel. You shoulc feel like a famous writer, Kerouac, Bucowski one of those guys.

I hope that was helpful.


I think what jimbo is trying to tell is you need to figure out your own feelings. takes time dude, takes time, try to stick around for the long haul. Believe it or not the older I get the better it gets. But maybe that is because I am trying to savor the last few days I got left.

I don't like that guy in your story, to me he is a dick head, got attitude towards women like it is all her fault. But that don't mean I did not like the story. I remember another story you wrote about a girlfriend, you seemed upset because she did not feel guilty about something. Keep at it, and I am sure you will write a story about a guilty girl. What is it to be a man?

I think it is a strange question. How should you feel? You should feel the way you feel. Not the way you think you should feel. For a long time after my litchicks experience I was nervous as hell about feeling the way I felt. Just a word from a friend can make a difference. Thanks jimboloco, I hear your footseps coming down highway sixty one.

[jimboloco]

i am running away from gawd
he knows it too
running for mother earth
looking for a clue
every day even now
living on the edge
when connected with the immortal frown
the ephemeral smile, taking chances evermore
til i get brought down or til i go on thru
right on thuuu to th'other side, yeah,
past my fears, expand my comfort zone, yeah,
let it shine, yeah, yeah, yeah....