The cruiser and the [i]email[/i]:

Post your poetry, any style.
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Axanderdeath
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Location: montreal or somewhere in canada or the world

The cruiser and the [i]email[/i]:

Post by Axanderdeath » June 26th, 2005, 11:36 am

had to get this of this board
Last edited by Axanderdeath on June 27th, 2005, 4:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
thus spoke G.A.P.

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joel
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Joined: June 24th, 2005, 8:31 am
Location: Hampton Roads, Virginia

Post by joel » June 26th, 2005, 6:55 pm

This strikes me as having a lot of potential. The story has two strong directions and I think they juxtapose nicely together--

1) Timbo's apparent carelessness and sensual needs;

2) Timbo's hopeless devotion/obesession in hearing back from "someone".

For readability, I think you could pull the grammar a bit more together. I'm not attacking poetic license, but I found some of the grammar hurt the transfer of information from a good story to my confused head.

Despite all that, I enjoyed reading this and really think it's a succinct way of looking at the duality in a person's approach to needs and independence.
"Every genuinely religious person is a heretic, and therefore a revolutionary" -- GBShaw

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