mollestation of a nightmare

[Glorious Amok]

i just gave myself a nightmare, and in the waking of the nightmare arose a memory of a mollestation, twin scenarios of unwanted, uninvited, aggressive, intrusive, invasion of suffering, of the body clenching up, of the realization what was happening, of that 9 seconds of self-doubt, of the questioning of guilt and to what degree was i responsible for this situation having arisen, and the 20 minutes it took to get him out of my room peacefully, and the 20 years later that he still won't go away completely, and the dirt on his hands should have been my first clue, no it should have been about my 3rd clue, and that clench inside of every muscle being about to respond, about to attack back but not wanting to alarm my attacker, that panic freeze moment, that inner shift of loyalties, that horrible, horrible, awful moment of realization of the situation that i was in, of trying to find the inner strength to be able to respond accordingly, of searching my body for the consciousness that was necessary to defend ... and not finding it.

and it's too late now, both the nightmare and the reality have arisen, and now i too arise, for fear of closing my eyes, because every time they close, it's not the eyes but the hands that i feel, the hands, and that thick layer of dirt that covered them. and it instigates a panic, and i can't get back to sleep, for fear of the hands. and the blankets touch me in the places where i was touched, and in the sinking, fading alertness, in the onset of sleep there is confusion, and alarm.

[jimboloco]

Mercy


You know I am a nurse and I help young women in intimate situations in hospital, I access their ports, they have to expose their upper chest a bit, also sometines I have to help them to change their IV tubings as they get them tangled up inside their jammies, and there are the ones with the cesium implants inside their vaginas, protruding out, I check the clampsto make sure they are secure, and so on.......

It is good to know I can inspire trust in them and am included as an equal with the women in the nursing occupation.

I am also sensitive to my wife. I have to seduce and court her every time and if she ain't exacyly in the moment, I gotta respect that. One time, several years ago, I thought we were gonna get into a bit of a marathon, then I realised she was crying. I backed off and soothed her, apologising, said I didn;t know, I realised she was wanting to please beyond her comfort zone. Have never gon there again. we keep it sweet at all times.

I want to say I appreciate your post, what to call it?
Very real. The sense of being soiled, I can relate, from my Vietnam experience.
being soiled, violated.
Peace.

[Glorious Amok]

same guy also got the girl who stayed just down the hall from me too. funny thing, she had the same first name, middle name, and our last names were only 2 letters different.

somewhere in alberta... he wore a cowboy hat. he knocked at my door and told me he was the massage therapist for all the dancers. we had a lot of them around, so what did i know? i told him when to come back, and he did. said he forgot his own lotion, and would it be alright if he just used mine? i gave it to him, and he started at my thighs. he didn't even wash his hands first, and the lotion made all that dirt wet and muddy again.

[jimboloco]

so what's wrong with muddy sweat?
i guess i aim't ever had that myself, especially since we moved away from the Ozarks whem I was what?, half-way thru the third grade, my gawd, missed out on Sadie Hawkin's Day.
hillbillie girlies can run you down

low down
muddy sweat
waddya get
lost a bet

you ok now?

[jimboloco]

http://www.zap2it.com/custom/sentinel2/ ... 13,00.html

[hester_prynne]

wow. right out there wow!
and yes I know.
when the memories come back...the panic, the confusion, insult, guilt, fear, man i remember it well even though I was only 9.
I got away from him before he could really get me, but not before I had to watch him dance around naked and get himself off. After that he stalked me for nearly 3 years. I used to go to bed fully clothed and watch him try to unlock the lock I put on my door.
I never stayed home much after that either, heh. He kept claiming he was innocent.
My mother wouldn't believe me.
She said it was all in my head, that my imagination had just gone too damn far........
Funny though, she believed my younger sister when he went after her.......
took him to jail then. Never really said a word to me about it......

Therapy has really helped me alot. But it never goes away. I still get the heebee jeebees at night sometimes, have to get up and check the locks and stuff.

People can be so cruel and weird, and get away with it all the time.
No wonder i'm an ornery bitch, eh. heh.

H

[jimboloco]

http://www.zap2it.com/custom/sentinel2/ ... 13,00.html

ain't no obsession with perfection
would rather stall a flight but good at recovery maneuvers....

my old art teacher in NYC said if ya gotta air, air on the side of spirit.
he was petrifying
dark prescription glasses.\
a cane and swagger

[stilltrucking]

Never celebrated christmas when i was growing up. Man I loved to watch electric trains going around a tree. It must be different for a guy I suppose. Just a memory of childhood frozen in amber.

[stilltrucking]

Death is a lonely business. RE snippets

[jimboloco]

slip sliding away
history
the present moment
the power of now
wow

http://www.fyicomminc.com/brazil/brazilphotos.htm

[Axanderdeath]

this is horrible !!

it makes me angry almost...

[stilltrucking]

I like cecil's sunday stream

[stilltrucking]

the past ain't over
in fact it ain't even past.I wear clothes until they are rags, think i still got that shirt with two buttons left

[stilltrucking]

sorry about this mess, there is a story in there somewhere.

[jimboloco]

end of the trail
dust in the air
weary wanna stop
camp for the night
make a fire,
lay out my bed,
mercy