Impasse

[Doreen Peri]

What do you do when you are at an impasse?

Today, it feels as if my life has come to a halt. I can't write, I can't work on the site, I can't select work for Sunday's show in Baltimore. I can't practice my piano pieces.

Yesterday, somebody used the joke I always use when someone is complaining and whining. "Doreen? Would you like a little cheese with that whine?" I don't think I've been whining.... That is, up until now. Today, I'm whining. This post is a whining post.

I'm feeling trapped. I can't move forward. I don't feel comfortable writing on my own site. I have created two fictitious names on here for creative purposes. I am "pandora" and I am "Levitra". I posted as pandora for years on the internet. Previously, it was for the purpose of playing the role of a cat, because I used to have a cat named pandora and she died. Most everything I wrote under that name was light rhyming humor, playing that role to answer to the posts of a very funny poet who used to write silly poetry about cat hatred. But here, I planned on using the name so I could write anonymously. But it isn't working. The name Levitra was created so I could have fun at my own site.

But something has gone all askew in my head. I don't feel comfortable expressing my opinions here. I don't feel comfortable posting my own writings. Yeah, I know. It's all in my head, probably.

It's just a bad day, I guess. I called in sick because I couldn't work. I needed time to think and to figure out why I can't move forward, why I feel stuck.

Today, I feel valueless. I am not writing this to ask for sympathy and if anybody reads this and wants to offer me a slap in the face and some cheese with my whine, I'll deserve it.

I'm posting this here because I'm looking for ideas from people about how to get out of this slump. I'm depressed and angry at myself for being depressed. I have loads of work to do on the site and don't feel the passion to do any of it. I get emails from people who tell me they are seeing the text all screwy and I don't yet know how to fix the code and I don't want to learn how to fix the code but I have to.

I don't want to learn anything right now.

This sounds like a poor poor pitiful me post. I'm sorry. I'm embarrassing myself. I'm just stuck and I don't know how to get unstuck.

I was reading through some of my poetry in an attempt to gather some pieces for Wireman's show on Sunday. I hated every piece of writing I wrote. I want to write something new for the show but the only inspiration I have is being stuck. And when I'm stuck, I can't write. It's a catch-22.

Does anybody have any kind of advice for me about how to get unstuck?

I'm just pretty much hating life at the moment and hating all my work and hating myself for being so hateful.

Impasse solutions are welcome.

Laugh at me if you want for wallowing in my own self pity. I wouldn't blame you. This post is pitiful.

[singlemalt]

let me be the first to take you up on your suggestion



and offer to slap the shit out of you

[Zlatko Waterman]

Dear Doreen:


I have extensive experience "getting stuck."

While I think my sluggishness as a producing artist sometimes has to do with innate depression, usually it's the other way around.

Making things sustains me, and when I can't "make", I feel that I no longer "am."

Since I have no children ( by choice) I have neither the distraction nor the uplift of "being wanted and needed" either.

Here's what I do, after about forty years of making art and getting stuck.

I find the "home spot"-- whatever it is that makes me feel strong. Castaneda called it the "power place" in the first three Don Juan books ( the best of his series).

In my case, it's simply drawing with a pencil, from direct observation, something I've done since I was six. It doesn't make any difference if I'm drawing a spool of thread, a loaf of bread, or a bulldozer. The thing is there and I am here and we are sending little signals back and forth. From habit I have learned to revert to drawing as both salvation and stimulus.

Sometimes, I just lay off for a few days or hours. I avoid drinking or getting myself in any altered state of consciousness-- except by reading books. Having a hangover and the same problem of inertia isn't going to solve anything. But you already know that, I venture.

Usually, with me, the hunger to mess with materials and push words around returns of its own accord. But it took me years to trust that it would.

Toward the end of his life, Theodore Roethke wrote that he constantly asked himself when he finished a poem, "Is this the last time?"

In your case, I don't know what I'd recommend. You've already told me you use that quicksilver rhyming wit of yours ( a genuine gift, like my gift for drawing) to try to haul yourself out of the dumps by your shoelaces.

I also habitually try reading someone who inspires me to action myself. I also look at some of the art books I own to enjoy stimulation ( sounds Freudian!) from artists I admire. I always thought this was a sign of weakness and barrenness of the imagination in me until I read that Frank Auerbach, the renowned English painter, did the same thing. He even has books of Picasso, Velasquez and Holbein open in front of him while he paints himself.

I find it sometimes helps to do something very small that can't miss. In other words, as the NewAge shrinks say, "Give yourself a success." That will differ, of course, for each individual.

And don't forget the old blues lyric:

"Ain't it hard to stumble
When you got no place to fall . . ."

I started this morning by spilling a scalding pot of coffee ( at 5:00 a.m.) on my hand ( the whole pot) while I was making my wife's breakfast.

I suppose ( not to wax inordinately grim here) that we might also follow Castaneda ( and his wizard, Don Juan) and " Let death be our advisor . . ."

This is easier for me after my recent heart attack and cancer surgery.

Wishing you well always, and a hefty production of work,


Zlatko

[judih]

When all my writing seems trite, awful, pointless, i let someone else listen.

i pull out the least disgusting and send them or read them to someone else to see if there's any effect whatsoever.

If anything gets a reaction, it's not 'so bad'.

If it's all bad, every last bit of it, i open up my little zen book and read something very short and let it work on me.

(i walk or ride my bike, and let the words sift down while nature entertains me)

i'm nothing. i'm a temporary vehicle for thoughts and feelings. i am not my words, nor am i my idiocies or my plunders. i am simply the vase for whatever is momentarily present in me.

Detach.
It's all temporary. There's no reason to cling to emotion. i am not my emotion. Separate.

And find a reason to laugh.

this is the course of action that i follow lately.


j

[abcrystcats]

I really think it depends, Doreen. Sometimes these moments of paralysis are necessary pauses and periods of growth before you're ready to change. Feeling sorry for yourself is almost never productive, but retreating to a position where you can heal yourself almost always is.

I have complete faith that you WILL get ready for Sunday's show in Baltimore, regardless of how you feel at this particular moment. I know you won't be kept down by this mood for long.

One thing I can tell you is that you MUST let go of any bad feelings about yourself. I can confirm, in any way you like, that you are a kind, compassionate and intelligent person. Feel free to be yourself on this website. It's a beautiful place you created here, and it's YOURS.

I hate that particular denigrating comment: "Would you like some cheese with that whine?" Why is it that when people want to put you down, they are always SO unoriginal ???

[WIREMAN]

doreen......I'm gonna tell ya honestly.....you are awesome......I can't believe after all the good vibes and good will (with nary a negative word or action) you have given all of us over the years...
I need ya beautiful and we all need ya.....you were the star over there and every one of us knows it....just look at the pics from the show in bethesda in april......come on -D leave this episode behind ......let's rock Baltimore Sunday....the show's on the radio up here....it's in city paper.....Baltimore sun....everyone's excited......
you are a shinning star and we love ya.......your true friend .....mark

[mnaz]

well Doreen....

This probably won't be of much help..... but oddly enough, when I'm at an impasse, I often write about it. The words may be dark or even angry at times, but sometimes it's better if they are allowed out on paper. I'm kind of at an impasse now.... my problem is more that I can't seem to stop writing.... strange indeed.

Sometimes just the ol' "change of scenery" helps. Walk outside, into town, and put up your antenna.... switch on observation. Or grab a beer and click through the poetry of others, letting free association and interpretation have some play......

....just some thoughts that came to mind....

[hester_prynne]

I so hear you in your post..(and goddamit don't reduce the way you are feeling to whining...you are not whining. Maybe someone else has called it that, but fuck em if that's as deep as they go or as impatient as they are. It's their problem if the way they deal with stress is to call someone's wanting to get something the right way, whining.)
You know this.

As for an impasse, I would say that it's a signal you need a time out from giving. I suggest you watch some tv or an old movie, relax in your pj's all day, take a big toke or two and empty your mind of all the crap. Order out for dinner or see if Lrod would be willing to handle that.....
Take a conscious break. Practice giving yourself permission to take a rest.....and just do what you like to do. Think about how important today will be 10 years from now. This is what I do anyway....
another thing I do when i'm feeling like you are is I get myself comfy, and then I go and read other poets, here or at the Arcanum (and it used to be at litkicks too, when they were set up that way, )solely to post my responses and reactions to them. This has actually helped me get inspiration back for writing, spending some time on feedback to other poets like me, who are out there, putting it out and who, like me, really like to get some feedback and or acknowledgement of their work. It's constructive and often it will change my apathy to positivity again.
And last but not least let me remind you Doreen, that not only can you write brilliantly, but this whole site you've created is amazing! I sure couldn't do it....and I am grateful that you have because it's a place I love to come to already....hell, i check studioeight out before I even check my email everyday!
Life is such a duty in many ways, and you dear girl have gone way beyond the call.
I could blather on but I think you know what I'm saying. You are maybe spread a bit too thin these days, and when that happens, I think we tend to take what people say more to heart, especially when it comes to our artistic/creative expressing.
I keep that in mind with everyone. It tends to give negative comments directed at me less power, when I remember that we all are working overtime and stressed. I've learned to shrug my shoulders, let it go and move on with love.
I'm a big fan of yours Doreen and I care about how you are doing very much.....
Take a time out.
You really deserve that, you have done wunderkind work!
Refill yourself.
I think that's the real message of impasses. It's our souls telling us we need to take a break, have some fun, or just spend some time alone with our wonderful selves, rejuvenating.
It won't be long before you are vimmed and vigored again. You, are one strong woman. We can easily forget that strength has it's necessary paradox that needs tending to as well.
Big smooches and a cheer!
"this too shall pass!"
I promise it will!
your fan,
H

[WIREMAN]

Wow!....that was really beautiful and enlightening Hest.....advice for all.......peace and love......mark