bad, uncencored thoughts

[K&D]

cecil...is not going to like this...not zen at all.

so its like 1:00 In the morining and i've had one of the worst days. i'm always the nice polight one whoe's there for my friends, and i never try to get mad at them...but at this time of the hour, you ever notice how thoughts get more intense?

you ever feel like the little supportive friend, who's only seen when people 1. need to laugh 2. need advice....sometimes i feel like that. i provide laughs, advice and a sence that nothing is too fucked up that it will stop the next day from being better. not tonight, tonight i'm tired of worrying about everyone else when they could seem to care less about how i'm doing.

i wonder if these thoughts that come up, are they real, do i secretly think them all the time but only in my time of madness let them come to the foreground? i think in this case that statement is true, suddenly when you can't take it anymore, all faults that you've forgivem people for seem to come to memory.

sometimes, get this, i actually feel like i don't have the right to be mad at my friends because they are so delicate and emotional, and that there might be something that's making them off that i don't know about because they aren't open...some how i feel as if anytime i want to get mad at someone, that somehow i'm being selfish...anyone else get like that?

[lovingpenfull]

I know what you mean about stuff coming back all at once, stuff that before was of no problem suddenly becomes fodder for some grievance you have with someone after something happens. I don't think one necessarily feels these things all the time; as you said, it is not Zen. I don't believe they are just waiting under the surface, unless you consciencly construct that. It is too bad that your friends don't seem to broadcast the same level of concern for you as you do for them, but at the end of the day, it is your choice to be so caring; if your friends show their caring in different ways, or even if they are selfish and don't care at all, that is their deal. Be congruent about who you are, and if you want a bit of caringness from your friends, just accert your need a bit more clearly. Or just tell them about your feelings, though that may end up putting a strange tone to things if done impropperly. A lot has to do also with how each of us was raised, at some level at least. Those people may have been smothered by their parents with attention, and so naturally they have a disinclination to seek attention by giving it as it has always come to them so unquestioningly. This may be how they function at some level, they have to be the ones sought, they don't seek; you may have to just say, even jokingly, that you would like someone to come over and listen to you sometimes.