Morning after...

[mtmynd]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick! -

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating.

Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins 38 cents
Saying the right thing at the right time . . Priceless

[stilltrucking]

I like it.

Then there was the guy who had a fantasy about sleeping with three women. And he woke up in bed one morning with Tanya Harding, Hilary Clinton, and Lorena Bobbit.
He had a broken leg, his penis was gone and he had no health insurance

[Zlatko Waterman]

A very old sex joke, the kind I like because it's innocuous, but I wouldn't make the characters Islamic and publish it in a Danish newspaper:


The Norse god Thor decided to honor earthly humans and so descended in human form to spend one night with an earthly woman.

After a night of rapturous and frantic love, Thor got ready to leave in the morning and felt guilty. He was convinced he should reveal his true identity.

He stood before the woman and said:

"I'm Thor . . ."

She replied, "Tho' am I-- but gosh, a night of love like that was worth it . . ."


--Z

[stilltrucking]

Since it is black history month maybe this one is ok. I never tell jokes with the N word any more. And that is the truth. It is a blessed day in a white boy's life when he over comes racial stereotypes. But this one I still tell on occasion.

It was 1962 and LSU was being pressured to integrate. So this black dude comes in to the registrar's office to be admitted they don't want him to get in but they got to be subtle about it. So they tell him that the tuition is 100 thousand dollars a semester. The black guy says ok, I been lucky in the stock market this year, no problem. So then they say well you are going to have to take the entrance exam in Sanskrit. He says no problem; languages are a hobby of mine.
They are running out of options so finally they say. If you want to go to LSU you are going to have to take the Tiger test. The guy asks them what the tiger test is. They wont tell him. SO he says okay, I really want to help my people and open opportunities for them. I will do it. They tell him to be at the football stadium the next day.

Next morning he shows up and they take him out to the 50 yard line and burry him up to his neck. The stands are full of people waving confederate flags and screaming for blood. Then a gate opens up and a tiger walks onto the field. The tiger spots the head and goes charging for it. As it leaps at the guy he jerks his head to the left and the tiger passes by to the right. The tiger turns and lunges again and this time the guy jerks his head to the right and the tiger passes by again. The next time the tiger lunges at him the guy leans his head back and bites the tiger’s testicles off. And the people in the crowd start screaming, “Fight fair n*gger”

[Ann Bingham]

O.k. I'm new at this. At any rate what woman wouldn't lavish her husband/boyfriend for a quote such as this.

love lots.