Stella went back to Astoria......

[hester_prynne]

to go to school there and live with her dad.
Sigh......................sigh..........sigh again.

She was so miserable here. She hated the school, missed her friends, everyday I came home she was weeping in her room.....

She finally told me the only reason she was here is because she thought if she went back to Astoria I'd think she didn't love me......and that she was worried about me being alone here.....sigh

So here I am again tonight feeling her absence again, worried that I should have made her stay here, wondering what the hell i'm gonna do now.

Surprizingly enough, I feel really good about deciding to let her go back.
She grew up with her friends in Astoria, she has roots there, her dad, her half brother. But I don't want to be there anymore, I was miserable there.

I'm not sure where I want to be.
I mean, i'd like to be somewhere where I could do nothing but write and sing and have everything I need. Who wouldn't?

I've been working pretty steady at the local Co-op and the pay is shit, but I love it, it's a real non-corporate business, very much a hippie feel to it, I feel really comfortable there and loyal, already.

I'm really lost.
I think I must be having my midlife crisis.
Any thoughts or insights on loss of identity in middle age would be appreciated.

H

[Arcadia]

according to my origin family last generation statistics I already pass the middlife line before reaching the thirties, so maybe I´m in the etarian group able to talk about it

mmm... I don´t hester, identity is something a bit weird thing when you don´t have present lover, ex-husbands, half-brothers, kids, etc to talk or to worry about..!!!

talking seriously and answering your post:

. you and your daughter are still more or less near, no? (kilometres talking). That´s good!!
. well, she´ll be with her dad!
. I´m sure you´ll find a place (not necessary a city or a job) to do the things you want to do and also don´t starve in the try!
besos,

[judih]

hester, you're a strong woman. You gave Stella permission to be happy! Even though your heart aches for her. It takes powerful love to do that.
Crying releases the pain. It's good we've got tears.

Meanwhile, you're happy at the co-op, so who needs identity? Who needs a label, a costume, a niche? Happiness is far above all that other stuff.
Maybe you'll make music sooner than you think. You're already making music. If you can survive on your current paycheck, that's all that's important.
mid-life crisis? i think mid-life crisis is a lot easier than my teenage crisis. What would life be without a crisis here and there?

As for advice, i don't have much to offer. Though i do believe the minute creativity starts to flow all the rest will flow as well.

Fall is the best time for meridian cleaning. Chakra clearance sale.

[hester_prynne]

Appreciate your replies, Arcadia...indeed I will not starve! Heh, and Judih I think i'll seek out the clearance sale.
I talked to Stella on the phone, she's herself again. That in itself is such a surprizingly big relief.
The upside is, the road is mine, I'm already planning a visit to Astoria. Who knows where else?
Thank you so much, both, again...

H

[Zlatko Waterman]

Hester:

I haven't been on these boards for a while, since I've been concentrating on my Flickr site, where an international group of 350-plus folks shares my art with me-- in a vigorous and interested fashion.

But I'm sad to hear things are emotionally tangled at your end.

Today, as opposed to when I finished my "job time", things are tougher.

The mortgage nosedive might make them more so. My wishes for you are, of course, that you will have all ( or most-- since almost all us artists have to subsidize with a "day job") of your time to sing and compose.

I concluded that the mid-life crisis hit me about 40, and then continued for 15 years, until I had my heart attack and cancer.

That woke me up, to some extent. Our time here is exceedingly brief, and Hobbes put it more brutally than that, as you know.

http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/254050.html

But making a living and fending for oneself is sometimes the most brutish part, and it's hard not to drift into alcohol or drugs for some relief. I did, from time to time-- intermittently-- during the period I mentioned above.

A stable person in a relationship with you helps a lot, and I have that now, and for the past 25 years, but it was not always so; some of my partners have been certifiable loons.

There's not a whole lot I can add to Judih's wisdom ( and it is that), but I send love and good wishes.

--Z

[hester_prynne]

So nice to hear from you Zlatko, here and in the culture room.
Since I last wrote, I am seeing indeed the beauty of being lost, especially as opposed to being too "found", which is how I felt in Astoria.

Stella's leaving has inspired me to reflect on my own experience at her age and in doing so, her returning to Astoria has even more pros to it.
At her age I was already beginnning on a rather rootless journey, having only now come fully to that crossroad of feeling it.
I don't really have a "hometown" to go to.
Stella will.

From that standpoint, i move on, seeking out that right moment of opportunity.
The area for seeking it has enlarged sizeably for me with Stella's departure back to her Dad's.
I am reminded of Florinda Donner's words in "the witches broom".
She speaks about always being ready for a trip to the airport, time and time again, empty suitcases in hand, and a plane ticket, the destination of which you have no idea.

H

[Doreen Peri]

Hey hest!

You are such a good mother! You put Stella first and you gave her what she wanted and needed and by doing so, you have shown how unselfish and giving a mother you are. She adores you, I know! I know this wasn't easy but you did what you felt in your heart was right for HER and that's so important.

I'm glad you're comfortable in your job but sorry the pay isn't that good. But hey, could be worse. You could be making great money and miserable at your job!

My midlife crisis thoughts are these.... I've been having a midlife crises since I was 35 which is when mid-life starts, right? I mean given the fact that our life expetancy isn't much over 70, at 35, you're in the middle of your life. To me, it's been the same as the adolescent crises and probably will be the same as the over-the-hill crises. Meaning, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, I don't know how to change what I'm doing now and when I get over-the-hill, I won't know what to do next with myself. I have no advice. It's always been the same for me. There's too much to do and too little time and I can't focus on any one thing because there are too many I want to do and so I get paralyzed and stuck. Plus, I don't know how to be content. I want to be HAPPY.

I should have just not answered because what type of anser is that? It's a non-answer. It just says I have no answers and I'm always in crisis. Somehow I've gotten used to crisis, I guess. I'd probably be bored without it.

Anyway, all the best to you! I hope you are singing! Just keep singing and everything else will fall into place. I have no doubt about it.

[mousey1]

I wrote this poem http://studioeight.tv/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=10937 after reading this post of yours here Hester. Thanks for the feelings.

Choices, choices, so many choices and none of them seem just right but we roll with the punches and toe to toe we land a blow once in awhile.

remember, when a door closes a window opens
and if it don't? well, hell, there's always a skylight
ya, true, you gotta climb up to it
but think of the view
just think of the view once you get there.

And one day you will get there
right where you wanna be
we all will
if I didn't believe this
I could quite easily curl up into a tiny ball and shrivel away...

life's for living and learning and it is one hell of a journey.

Hester, you're a tenacious fighter, this I can tell, so just
keep on keeping on, you'll get there.