One of My Favorite Columns

[Lightning Rod]

(reprint--don't get pissed)

Urine Trouble


"I ain’t gonna pee-pee in no cup, unless Nancy Reagan’s gonna drink it up."

-- from the 1987 song "I Ain’t Gonna Piss in No Jar," by Mojo Nixon

Religion forever masquerades as science. This is the result of the circular mental construct of the faithful who think that believing something makes it true. Lie detectors and urine tests are prominent examples of this prejudicial way of thinking.

Urine sane if you believe either lie detectors or piss tests are useful science. Both 'sciences' are about as reliable as ducking. In the 1600's it was thought that the foolproof, scientific method of determining if a person was a witch was ducking. This was a process of submerging the victim in the local pond or river and if he or she bobbed to the top it was proof of an association with the black arts because the body was rejecting the baptismal water. If the victim drowned, he was innocent. I guess that was considered good science in the 1600's.

Pee tests and lie detectors are about as scientific as ducking. They both purport to measure something, and that sounds scientific. But in both cases what is being measured has nothing to do with what you want to know. After all the measurements, urine the dark. No lie.

I'm sure urine sisting that our transportation systems and workplaces are somehow protected by having workers piss in a cup but urine correct. What a pee test tells an employer is not whether or not a worker is immediately competent to do his job but whether or not he has smoked a joint in, say, the past thirty days. Which gets us back to the ducking stool. Urine vestigating something entirely different with a piss test than competency; what urine vestigating is witchcraft. Heresy.

What urine deavoring to discern is not job competency, but moral rectitude. Urine sinuating that the person with proven illegal substances in his body is more likely to steal, cheat, neglect duties, lie on his income tax and fuck white women.

If urine terested in whether an employee is competent to do his job, you give him a dexterity test when he punches in on the time clock. It takes thirty seconds. it's cheaper than chemistry and it tells you what urine terested in. But urine shurance company gives you a clause, a way out of urine debtedness in case of an accident. If an employee has an accident on the job and urine volved in a compensation lawsuit, urine titled to make the employee take a piss test. The results of this test can relieve you of urine demnity. If the serf fails the test, urine the clear. He is obviously a witch.

All these methods of ceremonial science are really for the same purpose. They are tools of intimidation. When urine timidated, you are more compiant. If, when urine tering the employment office, they hand you a cup and wire you up to a polygraph, urine clined to feel like you have been rendered naked and that urine terior life, your most secret and solitary thoughts, will become known. The illusion of omniscience is powerful. If you can make someone believe you know their every thought and action, urine control.

The Poet's Eye sees that the ducking stool is better science than piss tests and that urine danger of losing urine dependence if you sUrinender your bodily fluids. Reject the baptismal water. Prove urine league with the devil.

[stilltrucking]

ten four clay
I agree
one of your best.
thank you

[constantine]

i like this too and am in complete agreement with this cogent and creative piece of writing.

[mnaz]

Yes.