depression

[creativesoul]

this really has me swallowed whole, I feel if I swallowed by the biggest and wonderous creature and being carried through another dimenson. I want to cry out in fear, but I sense that my fear will slick like attack me form another direction, where I am not defending myself.
They say I am a strong woman, but every woman s weakness, is a man.
all those baths I took when I was single by candlelight taught me to care for myself in spite of his snippy remarks and attitudes just remove myself from the target area and practice some self care. It used to be different somehow. I would hang in there and fight. I have ceased fighting, ?I am exhausted.he wants me to intoduce him to my tatoo girl, i think that is weird. can t you make your own friends?i left my cell phone at home.it is like having the handcuffs off.

[constantine]

i say he should find his own tattoo girl, but i'm no better. we're all bozos on this bus as zappa would say.

[stilltrucking]

Silent woman used to tell me that a woman can make a man do anything she wants him to.
And I wondered at what cost to herself.

left my cell phone at home.it is like having the handcuffs off.

That line, sums it up I think. Powerful metaphor

thanks for writting CS

[creativesoul]

i wake up to the relief of being alone, no long dead quiet, no tension you could slice with a knife, to find that the faceless lovers of my dreams took the time to read and respond to my writing.
i laugh. I think of each of you and smile, your writing, your personalities, your different styles.In a way it makes me want to go deeper, expose myself even more, much like a streaker on a hot day in July.I have never been with a man that could not wait to get their clothes off to have sex with me, and I have never met a man that would fight with you because you wanted it. Viagra is lovely, but the connection between man and woman is what turns me on, although after this gorilla tarzan shit I may have to find new amusements. I tried to do what all the little stupid relationship books say to do, and trust me they do not work.I go to a shrink pretty regularly and she has never met him, although he has been invited, says he is "dismissive".
This is someone that I am so turned on to, none the less I am not getting it, the big banana, the sense of being loved in that way. I made a commitment to work things out, as changing relationships just changes the problems.So I sit here in his office using what used to be my computer, and he is driving what used to be my truck, and I am having trouble dealing with doing the changing and the giving and because I took a seroquel and was asleep when he got home, which seemed like a good idea at the time, he started telling me he was worried about me.I think that is a crock. I told him I felt like he was pushing me away, but I think what I say falls on deaf ears, When I wake him up he has a spaz attack. Why couldn t he let me fucking sleep?
So I wonder if I would have to take these meds, and if I would have to take sleeping meds if I was with someone that really was off into sex, keeping our bodies humming.Sex with him is the same, and I just tell myself I do not care about sex, because I do not want to have a fight over wanting it. Kinda takes the air out of my baloon.
Then there are money problems. I do all the cooking and cleaning, and he sits on the couch and watches educational television. I have my own television for occassions such as these.
painting is my passion and I have not felt passionate lately. Having an affair would make me feel too gulity.Pleasure should not cost this much I am repressing my feelings because I cannot handle conflict or being called a whack job because I cry when I feel rejected. I love him, but I am not too happy about this portion of our relationship.



i am open for suggestions.

[stilltrucking]

The only thing silent woman could not make me do was leave when she needed me to go. I tried so hard to hang onto her skirts. Finally she had to leave herself and move across the country.

if i can't do it myself, i enlist lily's help...bedroom eyes, voluptuous bosom; but i would have paid attention so as to keep her in my back pocket, where she belongs. Sometimes I like being female; other times i wish i were a man so i wouldn't have to enlist the help of others because of fragility. Please forgive lily for what she is about to say...but men are so needy and easily lead sometimes. On second thought not all men. I think lily is softening; this is not good--she is strong where i am weak--chews men up and spits them out. Oh nasty just got an image of spitting chewing tobacco--uch. Mind wonders.. sometimes I don't even know where it is going. Must be the blond in me.-- --
Anne Bingham

I liked her posts a lot too. Probably has nothing to do with your post but she popped into my mind for some reason.
Wonder what happened to her, she never posts here anymore.

Thanks for writing CS
sincerely
I always find something universal in your posts
I think I have read everyone.

"The power should flow back and forth between a man and a woman, like water being poured from one vessel to another." (paraphrase from memory.) Something I remember from a book about Sylvia Plath called The Savage God. Also probably ireelevant to your post I suppose.

[creativesoul]

in my dreams I converse with people, i really think they are there. the other day I fell asleep in class and woke up saying?"can i call you back?"
The young beautiful girls near me asked me if I was ok.I think that the young and beautiful are afraid of the next level- talking in your sleep, vulnerability and the refusal to stay when your feet say go.
Starting over is something I have done a thousand times, it seems like it anyway. I am on a dragon boat team now. I have wanted that for sometime and could not figure out how you get on. The company sponsors the team and you get invited to be on it.
I really got excited about that. I pretend sometimes that i am sucessful and happy. I tell myself that I am worth loving, that there are benefits. I tell myself that I am an orphan.
I think that a certain percentage of what I pretend is true. Pro noia says the world is conspiring to make me happy. I believe this.