News Divas

[Lightning Rod]

Ann Coulter has been ambushed by the same mechanism that doomed Hunter S. Thompson. The reporter has become a bigger story than, well, the Story.

Not that Ann Coulter could be classified as a reporter. She is an opinion maven and a big-mouthed kewpie doll for the rabid right wing. But she's a star. Isn't that what you are when you make the cover of the Rolling Stone or even Time Magazine? And as a bona fide celebrity she feels obliged to write her column about, well, herself.

My theory is that anyone who gets a pie in the face has Made It in terms of the popular culture. If I was invited to the University of Arizona to spew my opinions I would hire a caterer just to come and throw a pie in my face. It's the kind of publicity money can't buy. But Ann is not short on publicity these days, having just appeared on the cover of Time Magazine. She even got additional mileage from the event by carping about how her picture looked.

My theory is that Ann Coulter is really a drag queen. She's certainly bitchy enough to be a drag queen. And her outlook on the world is a bit skewed by her gender difficulties. Check out her firm, masculine jaw. The only glitch in this theory is the way she thinks. Drag queens have much more savvy.

Column writing is getting much like the rest of the entertainment business these days. It's not enough that you are a master of your craft, whether it be singing or column writing. You have to be a fox as well. If you look like Avril Levigne, who cares what your voice sounds like? American Idol is as much a beauty contest as one for talent. Can you imagine Janis Joplin or Billie Holliday or Bob Dylan winning American Idol. Of course not.

Being sexy never hurts in any situation. If you have any sexual magnetism at all, it is currency in this world. Beautiful people get more breaks, make more money and are indulged in any situation more than their homelier contemporaries. It helps to have a little smarts and personality to go with your good looks, but hey, all George Hamilton has to do is strike a pose and talk about his tan, and you love him. You don't expect Paris Hilton to solve the world's problems or even say anything vaguely meaningful. She doesn't need to. Fabio doesn't have to say much.

But columnists are different. They have to be telegenic and witty and meaningful. I'm excepting Ann Coulter of course.

My idea of a sexy columnist is Maureen Dowd. The way she crosses her legs and her little feline purr when she enunciates her beautifully phrased and researched opinions on Meet the Press is a much bigger turn-on than fish-net hose and stiletto heels. Arianna Huffington is my idea of a hottie. Having sherry with her would be a much more exhilarating experience than spending the night with Britany Spears or Ann Coulter. Molly Ivins is as erotic as Texas pecans fried in butter with a little salt. I would rather drink Bushmill's with her than with the Bush twins. And how about Cokie Roberts? How can you have a name like Cokie and not be intellectual sex on wheels?

Now we see the Diva Wars breaking out in the world of journalism. The Katie Couric/Diane Sawyer skirmish comes to mind. Ann Coulter is a prime example of the of the personality of the writer interfering with the story. I have to give her credit for active myth building but when columnists become consumed with writing about themselves, the end is in sight.

Nora O'Donnell has eyes to die for and I would love to see Campbell Brown in dominatrix garb with her thin lips and cruelly arched eyebrows. And CNN is like the Playboy Channel with its covergirl/ anchorbabes.

It's has always interested me that some technically beautiful women or men can sometimes be so unsexy. I guess it's because being totally involved in your looks and grooming and external manifestations is so shallow that it borders on the repulsive. In a literary sense, I can't decide whether Ann Coulter is more unsexy than Ellen Fein, the bimbo who wrote The Rules. You know, the bible on playing hard to get, with such pearls of wisdom as "Don't Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls", and "Always End the Date First", "Don't Rush Into Sex", and "Don't Live With A Man". Both Coulter and Fein are intellectual nazis. I thought only men could be so wrong headed. Maybe they are men. Both of them have Adam's Apples. And consider what they say. They are both neo-puritan prudes whose tails must be so tight that you couldn't drive a finishing nail into them.

The Poet's Eye squints and wonders about the subject of beauty or allure as it is connected to credibility. Does the worth of the message depend upon the beauty of the messenger? But then again, what is Beauty? I think it has something to do with Truth.

[mnaz]

It's all about the money.... whatever sells.... thus, the various styles and persuasions and degrees of cartoon journalism will always be with us....

It's not altogether a bad thing..... except that hordes of morons often take it seriously....