Post
by Lucy! » September 26th, 2004, 12:51 pm
HELLO DOLLY!
SO wonderful to be back online...much has happened to me, most of it not good at all, except that I pulled myself together from the ruins of my past existence and emerged a better, evolved me. Things are EXCELLENT! I overcame a severe bout of depression, an illness that knocked me straight into the gates of hell, a breakup so sour I was a human lemon for a bit, problems here at home reached a critical point...
I was swallowing the saltwater of sadness and depression on a sinking boat and even when I was at my darkest moment, I swam up to the surface, dehydrated and weak and saw the sun and knew I could make it because thats who I am- I swam to shore, and it took me some time to get here, good solid land where my feet can touch the ground and my footing is certain and there's a clarity I carry that gives me so much hope and happiness, I have never been so happy in my life! Even when times are bad, they are good because I am making my own decisions and if I suffer, its not inflicted by anyone else like it was before. Love and the loss of it still pains me because the ending of mine was very sad and hurtful and I will always carry a little anger with me as a result. But love was very good to me and I am fortunate to have loved so unconditionally and to have been loved back, although towards the end it ended up being very very painful.
I am still going to school, as always, a full time English major. I now work at the school bookstore which is very convenient and fun! I dig my job! School is coming along fine although I have been working and socializing (something I stopped doing a long time ago and its so good to be networking again!) so much that I am just a little behind on a few things, which I usually am not (I'm a real nerd, I always have my work done as soon as possible) but its fine because everything has fallen into its place and school will too.
And so I am now back online, reincarnated and well, healthy and genuinely happy! Sorry to all of you who emailed me and Ididn't respond, my inbox was crazy full, I am sure many emails were deleted-
I truly feel I was illuminated with the beauty of true happiness and was offered the gift of a new life when I resolved to overcome all that was making me so terribly unhappy and now here I am! I don't need a boyfriend, a father, another person, place or thing to make me happy- I can make myself happy by living a good life (as I always had but was always weighed down by outside factors) and surrounding myself with people with good intentions.
Anything that can potentially harm me, I don't allow into my being and I don't let my heart ache over the pains of being mistreated or talked down to- I just walk away from it, I am worth more than that. I have learned to respect myself and actually like myself and I am not as self-conscious as I used to be (although I have much to overcome). I am having so much fun right now and I realize that people like me- I never really thought I was worth much because I was made to believe this, but I am not too bad to hang out with! I've made new friends, am excercising, eating well and having a great time!
I guess this is what so many refer to as "growing up"
I've grown in so many ways, I don't know which direction to head for first! Every day presents a new gem of goodness and I am there to share it with everyone!
Big big hug to all of you! Its so good to see all of you on and talk to you, I will not lose contact as I did when times were bleak, although I won't be on as frequently as I used to be when the Litkick boards were active since my life is quite busy, but I will make it a point to come on at least twice a week to see your great posts and read your work.
YAY!
Much love, hugs and happiness to all of you! Thank you for receiving me with such welcoming posts!
((((((HUGS))))))))
Always,
Luc
