Maslow's slave

[westcoast]

excellent poem, D. a bull's eye.

yes, Maslow never proved his theory as i recall from sociology 101. but that's not stopped the universe from jumping on board the train. strange how no one noticed it never left the station

choo! choo!

~westie

[judih]

scraping the soul
this is gut music, doreen
excellent

[Doreen Peri]

Jack, Janet, and Judi

thanks very much for reading and your comments to this piece

I hate Maslow. I love Maslow. The bastard.

[HaroHalola]

D. - TY for the "invitation;" w/o further enumeration, my Style of Crit. would most-probably be inappropriated for this Forum. This said, your Poem engages both Thematically & Liguistically, i.e., sucks in/sucks-the-breath from the Reader. My One suggestion here (should you choose to accept this assignment) would be to do an elimination of the Pronouns ("I"). The identity is more-than-established &, though I glean your thematic-intent through repetition, b/c of this, rather than an enhancement, the flow of the Piece is thwarted, remaindering an unnecessarily-stilted Poem of otherwise remark. Spare & pare, I believe you'll acquire a more-powerful Work, beyond Its alreadiness. I would happily assist in this, if you are amenable to my input - H'H./H.e.m.

[Lightning Rod]

short translation of the above post for doreen's benefit
sans pomposity:

1. Nobody would understand my criticisms, but thanks anyway.
2. I like the subject and the way you used words in your piece. But it took my breath away.
3. Don't make it all about you. It makes the poem stilted and clumsy.
4. I'll rewrite the poem if you want me to.

--cliff notes

[the mingo]

I loved how you tore this piece up! You said "Listen Up!" and the language had to obey you. Now that was just drop dead run around the world howling in agony gorgeous. Whew! Too Hot! I have to go to my bunk now.

[HaroHalola]

"These words don't make me a poet..." Those Words, save for "Indignity & Stolidarity" do not Exist! Anything further would smack dignifying... Regards, Ezra's Pound.

[Totenkopf]

I drink a gallon of water then piss
out my waste.

Eloquence itself! A link would be lovely tooo.

[Doreen Peri]

Haro... The poem's narrator is the universal "I"... these are experiences all people have in common. All must deal with the hierarchy or needs... .food, shelter, clothing at the bottom of the pyramid and self esteem and self actualization at the top. It's just the way it is. So, though I appreciate you reading and commenting, I disagree entirely with your critique. Sorry you didn't like this piece. Oh well. Can't please everyone. edit... Also there are some very good poems with "I" as the narrator where "I" isn't meant to be the universal "I", it's just meant to be a person who happens to be speaking. *smile*

Lightning Rod - Thanks for the translation.

mingo - I'm not sure who you're talking to. Haro? But anyway, thanks for reading the poem if you did.

Tote- Long time no see. I could give you links to me being pissed off if you want... then again I'm sure you remember.

[mtmynd]

Thirty-three I's. Ah! it's nothing.
I've used 'fuck' 69 times in a piece.
(that was nothing, too.)

[Doreen Peri]

LOL!

Well.. that's what Maslow's Hierarchy is about, Cecil. About the needs of the "I". beginning with the basic needs and moving on through there up the triangle. Moving up the triangle, there is community and giving but you have to have the basic needs met first in order to have something to give... so that was part of Maslow's point.

I really thought it was the most effective voice to use in this poem... the triangle diagram about needs from the viewpoint of the person stuck in the triangle! Maybe I was wrong. I donno.

I can't believe you counted them. Really? 33? Wow! Guess who's amazed by that.....

I am.



I'd like to read your piece which uses fuck 69 times. That must be a fucking interesting piece.

[mtmynd]

That Maslow's had quite a hierarchy... bottom to top. I would immediately think you'd have to continually 'feed' the lower sectors as you got higher as to maintain a good, solid 'I' foundation. I had never heard of him until you wrote this. It called for some good ol' googlin'.
I still don't know much about him... there's too much to know for one person in such a short period of time,

(what if 'I' studied him for a year or two and then found out he's was full of crap? wouldn't that be a waste of one's precious I-time? Whoa!)

Effective voice..? Well it did seem to effect many readers judging by the replies you got. Was it Maslow or Doreen that wrote this? It's quite different for you, you know? Have you been doing some studying on Maslow?

(psst! the 69 fuck piece... it been years and i really don't think i ever kept a copy. but if i ever run into it, i'll e/m you the real thing. how's that?)

[mindbum]

they laugh but do not complain when i pay for a gallon of milk in caesar's coin at the store on the corner. i drink much milk. they'd likely even just give me a gallon if i asked. to pay later. but, coin dug from pockets deep indicates a sense of direct survival.

but, thanks. i enjoyed this poem. rode the wave of 'I's. despite not knowing who is mazlow til i lookt it up after reading first time. but i recall this pyramid upon researchity.

[Doreen Peri]

Cecil

Yeah, I agree. You have no choice but to feed the lower end of the pyramid in order to reach the higher end. I don't think you do anyway.

I don't know much about him either, honestly. I only know the pyramid triangle illustration. And I know that some people get stuck at the bottom. Or get pushed back down to the bottom because of circumstance.

In the poem, I used a dream sequence to try to turn the triangle upside down. Could it be possible that you can focus FIRST on the top items of the triangle.... community, self esteem, self actualization, respect for others, acceptance of others, creativity, etc.... and then the basic needs of food, shelter, clothing, health insurance (lol.. but i'm not really kiddin, etc... ) ... could somehow follow? I don't think so. Which is what happened in the poem... trying to turn the triangle upside down in the dream didn't work. It toppled on itself and inverted.

Why? Because without your most basic needs met, your entire energy is spent chasing them down.... finding food, shelter, clothing... surviving. There's no energy left for the other stuff.

Then again, maybe I'm not getting it right. Maybe once you've traveled up the triangle and experienced the needs near the top or at the top, then maybe you never lose that ..... when you go bankrupt for instance... when your home gets repossessed... when you become a street person getting your food from the dumpsters behind restaurants... what then? If you WERE at the top at one point.. if you HAD experienced what it was like to live with self esteem and self actualization, do those skills go away when you become a dumpster diver for an egg mcmuffin because you haven't eaten in several days?

Beats me but it's hell at the bottom. It must be. Just sayin'... think of all the people who lost their homes in the recent storms and floods. Think of the Katrina victims who STILL don't have jobs and a place to live to call their own. The list goes on.

Many of the replies in this thread are mine so looking at how many posts the thread has says nothing whatsoever about the value of the poem.

Is this poem different for me? No. And yes. I've been writing poems with philosophical topics for years. Many. The "voice" of "I" with the short staccatto sentences... that's not a usual for me though. I usually use much more interior rhyme and alliteration and rhythms and meter than I did in this piece. My work is usually much more lyrical.

So no, the philosophical topic is nothing new but the style.. the voice.. is experimental for me a little bit. Though every time I write it's an experiment so ... well.. who knows?

And I have no idea whether studying Maslow would be a waste of time or not. All I can say about that is that if you have plenty of food, a secure residence, money to buy clothing and healthcare, then you've got the time to explore it if you want.

[Doreen Peri]

mindbum

thanks for reading... I didn't see your reply because i was typing that way-too-long reply to Cecil.. lol.. geez... You'd think I'd have something better to do like find a job

sighhh

I appreciate your comment